now i'm jealous.

envious.

irritated.

resentful.

irony has slapped me silly.


why?


because i didn't get on "Survivor" back in 2002.

shouldn't i be over that? of course. i was. BUT: thanks to dawn's mom, now i'm all bummed again.

why? who's dawn? who's dawn's mom?

dawn's mom is a contestant on the next Survivor, starting february 17th. dawn is a chick i went on a date with this past summer. that's about it.

so i SORTA know someone who will be on national tv. i say "sorta" cuz i never actually MET dawn's mom. hell, i barely met dawn. regardless, i still feel bitterly jealous.

i just don't understand how my survivor application went unnoticed. my 3 min. video was a masterpiece. who could forget seeing me...


...being run over by a tractor?


...or being trampled by bulls?


...or my personal favorite, the swan dive off a 40 50 foot silo onto a patch of frozen manure?

goddamn you, CBS. you ruined my chance at sort-lived, pathetic fame.

i performed all of my own stunts. REALLY. i did.

to dawn's mom: just kidding--i hope you won!

note from the editor me: i've been waiting for a good time to finally post something that i wrote back in november--in response to my cousin (a.k.a. "haller" in the comments) and his love for our goofball president.

having finally found the time to fit it in, i re-read it and decided that, even in an attempt to be bipartisan, i would no doubt be pissing off everyone instead of pleasing all. so, in the interest of not having the balls guts* to post what i originally wrote, i present to you a ruthlessly edited version of the post. may you wonder in flaming agony what i actually wrote--instead of all those little x's--too bad for you.

so, with the inauguration for our president's 2nd term fast approaching, please enjoy the following polical commentary in all its censored glory:



to my right-wing cousin D.H.**, lemmie just say this:

i am a member of the republican party.

there. i said it. i admit it. i've been a republican for over eight years. but never before have i been ashamed to admit that. i simply cannot stand bush, and with him as king of the republican party, i've begun to wonder just what it is the republicans stand for. since he's been in the white house screwing things up, i've been meandering over to the left side. sure, i started out on the right:

i voted for dole in '96.

if i don't know who the candidates are, i tend to vote republican.

i liked mccain in 2000 and woulda voted for him if he'd won the nomination.

but look at me now--voting for gore. for kerry. just who the hell do i think i am?



i'm not sure anymore. let's figure it out, using my own high-tech point system:

i grew up in the sticks. (that's 3 point for the republicans.)

i am pro-choice, as long as it's a justifiable reason. (7 points for dems.)

i like to think i'm a good ol' boy. (4 points GOP.)

i am fine with gays having some sort of civil union. two happy gay people can be, and often are, better parents and can provide a better home/family life than the average redneck/white trash/poor inner city family. (6 points for dems.)

welfare should DIE. we need to remove the teat from the mouths of america's weak. (9 points GOP.)

school prayer? ummm.. NO. (4 points dems.)

10 commandments? sure. (6 points GOP.)

wealthy people shouldn't bitch about paying more taxes (even though, in theory, it discourages economic growth.) (7 points dems.)

i like pickup trucks, beer, and boobs. confederate flags optional. (8 points GOP.)

i also like world politics, intelletualism, and... boobs. american flags essential. (7 points dems.)

the war in iraq was a mistake. plain and simple. that's a toss-up: (1 point dems.)

the only thing worse than a tree-hugging, dreadlocked, vegan, green party hippie is a PREGNANT tree-hugging, dreadlocked, vegan, green party hippie because that means there's another one on the way. (13 points GOP.)

i live for opportunities to wear my cowboy hat and boots. i like four wheelers, open land, and beef cattle. (15 points GOP.)

it DOES matter what the rest of the world thinks of us. even those damn french. (12 points dems.)

immigration: if you're an immigrant and plan on contributing to our society, come on over. if you're here for the freebies, **** **** ***. (0 either way.)

metric vs. english system? a little of both. (no points. this has nothing to do with anything.)

gun control means using both hands. but do you really need that AK-47 with cop killer bullets to hunt deer? (0 points either way.)

the UN has no balls guts. (7 points GOP.)

the UN makes a good point. (8 points dems.)

urban life has its benefits. so many people, so many cultures, so many options. (15 points dems.)

i **** affirmative action (why wouldn't i? i'm a ***** ****.) **** your ***** on your *** *****. (6 points GOP.)

less bible in the white house, please. (5 points dems.)

i own three vehicles: one red, one white, one blue. (no points either way--just patriotic.)

education: your kid can't hack it in school? let 'em quit. let's not waste everyone's time and resources. there's always room for them at mcdonalds, with or without that high school diploma. (toss up? 1 point GOP.)

socialized health care doesn't sound too bad. (13 points dems.)

may the strong survive and the weak perish. (10 points GOP.)

it's ok to drill for oil in national parks, just don't make a goddamn mess. (3 points GOP.)

it's not ok to rape mother nature. some environmental regulation is a good thing. (4 points dems.)

i *** the death penalty. ***** ******* and you're ***? how about * ****** and you're ****? (4 points GOP.)

i don't want to conform. i question authority. i want to create change. (9 points dems.)

i do what i'm told. i have faith in my leadership. i pledge my allegiance. (9 points GOP.)

--that should do it.

-----

let's see.. final tally:

republicans: 97 points. democrats: 97 points.

*sigh* the inner struggle continues. but at least i know how i feel about the next four years:



wanna know where you stand and have fun finding out? click here.

* he's not really a right-wing nut, but he did vote for bush. (DH: just razzing you. go gators! we can agree on that.)
** the potentially offensive word "balls" was removed from this post for the readers' protection.

FIsH TanK REPoRT:

after several months of stagnation, i finally got some new fish. it's harder to get a new fish than you might think because whenever you go to a pet store, the fish people tell you that the fish you want is not compatible with the fish you already have. therefore, you have to lie:

fish person: "this fish is particularly aggressive. what kind of fish do you already have?"
me: "uhhh, some tiger barbs, a big dumb tinfoil barb, bala sharks, and loaches." (conveniently ignoring the helpless little neon tetras, bloodfins, and danios that i also have.)

fish person: "ok. how many fish do you have in the tank?"
me: "umm, 8 or 10." (more like 18, exactly.)

fish person: "and how big is your tank?"
me: "55 gallons." (this much is true.)



after gaining approval for a beautiful blue african cichlid that i shouldn't have been allowed to purchase, i went home with guilt and fear that this little bastard would soon be munching on my beloved little zebra danios, who have been in my tank since day one--way back in october of '03. against my better judgement, i put this potential monster in the tank, along with a little eel that i also bought (which was considered harmless.) the eel immediately squiggled away under a rock and i haven't seen the little bugger since. the cichlid, however, was quite the crowd pleaser. my other fish haven't seen anyone new in about 4 months, so a new face created a stir. all the other fish took a great interest in meeting the new kid in school (school of fish--get it, get it??) surprisingly, the cichlid did not start plotting an attack; rather, he explored his new home with a throng of followers watching every move. one fish in particular, a female molly, took great interest (i assume because she too is also blue.) she followed him around like crazy all evening.

so much for the evil, aggressive cichlid. he's got a girlfriend, whether he likes it or not.

-------

and in other news:

this past week was looong. i was whooped. my downstairs neighbor noticed how tired i looked on friday night--he was right. five straight 12-hour days will have you waking up in the morning looking like keith richards. and it didn't help that my chainsmoking, alcoholic assistant manager (not to be confused with the chainsmoking, alcoholic keith richards) sent the other guy home without telling or asking anyone, so i had to return and stay 'til close on my supposed early day. but luckily i have today and tomorrow off to recover, sleep, and live my life. two days off in a row never happens, and for that i am thankful.

-------



Tone-Loc: Time-Less?

i dug out my tone-loc album today and listened to the whole thing, start to finish. it's a better album than i remember, and actually quite relevant even 17 years after it's release. why? the album has legs. you still hear "Funky Cold Medina" and "Wild Thing" to this day. "Don't Get Close" samples some hard rock that sounds similar to Jay-Z and Linkin Park's "Collision Course" album from 2004. and "On Fire" samples some positively badd-azz guitar, drums and cowbell. gotta love the cowbell.

call me crazy, but i think tone was on to something.

Funk and Games: what song did Tone Loc sample in his 1988 hit "Wild Thing"? post your answer in the comments and earn Blarf Points.

Super-Double-Blarf-Points Question: what other early rapper co-wrote both "Funky Cold Medina" and "Wild Thing"? hint: he was a one-hit wonder.

And An Easier Question to Make You Feel Better if You Didn't Know the Other Answers: in what movie did Tone Loc co-star with Jim Carrey in 1994?