. . . . . . . The Daily Blarf

Saturday, January 28, 2006

last night's skiing conditions were near-perfect.

i felt like a real instructor with my new, official "SKI INSTRUCTOR BEN" nametag. i taught two people how to ski last night--one was a friend and the other was a private lesson for a guy who hadn't skied in 20 years. he picked it up quickly and understood the heavy concepts and big words i used. it's difficult to explain things to people who are so stupid they do not know the explanations of words like "fall line", "perpendicular", "parallel", "your left" and "your other left".

it also annoys me when people cannot understand simple concepts like "walking sideways" (it's as simple as it sounds) or "snowplowing". it isn't like i don't explain things. people just don't want to listen. it's an uphill battle when the skiing newbie has the options of: 1. making his brain sweat by learning to ski, or 2. using as little brainpower as necessary by throwing down the skis and going tubing on the other hill.

even worse yet is trying to teach a little prick of a child, who can hardly handle fractions in math class, especially when they are singing the classic Beginner Skier Blues like:

Mommy and Daddy Made Me Go Skiing
I Hate This
The Boots Make My Feet Hurt
My Gloves Keep Falling Off
The Skis Make Me Walk Stupid
I Think I Have Frostbite; No Really, I Know I do
This Sucks, I Want to Go Tubing Instead

my complementary Ski Instructor Blues ditties:

I'm Going to Punch your Rich Obnoxious Daddy in the Mouth
I Hate You
Ski Boots Hurt More When Shoved Up the Ass
Keep the Goddamn Gloves on Your Hands and It Won't Be a Problem
The Skis Aren't Stupid, You Are
I Could Only Wish You Had Frostbite; No, Really, I Do
This Sucks, I Wish You Went Tubing Instead

--i *HATE* children with shitty attitudes. *HATE*


i forgot how much going to the dentist can suck.

i went to see Dr. Lee for my root canal yesterday.

i probably could have avoided it, but thanks to ignorance and beauracracy, i couldn't get my tooth properly fixed when i lost a filling, so it rotted away for 6 painful months while i waited for my health insurance elligibility to kick in, and then i had to wait for someone (anyone!) to get me the proper paperwork to sign up for dental insurance. and THEN i had to redo the paperwork because it was submitted incorrectly. all this crap took 6 months, and in that time, my tooth turned to shit from the inside out and could only be saved by a root canal.

i had the general idea about what a root canal was, but knew nothing about how it was done. i found out in short order.

first, they lead you into a room equipped with scary looking tools.

then they give you several shots, including one into the roof of the mouth, with a giant 1950's-style stainless steel syringe--i cringe. (it was about this point when i wanted to choke the shit out of Dr. Lee in the corner of his own office, but it was nothing personal.)

the rest is uncomfortable but not horribly painful:

the dentist guts your tooth with a bunch of grinder thingies.

then he puts this metal framework and rubber sheet crap in/on your mouth, not unlike something you'd see in marilyn manson's "Beautiful People" video.

then he jams these tiny little metal files all the way to the end of your tooth's root.

then he lowers your sperm count with x-rays.

then he fills the holes he made with crap to plug the now-purged tooth.

and finally he fills it in with a temporary filling and tells you to come back in a week.

so now, it still hurts. and i'll be back next week for the permanant filling.

--i'm glad i didn't know what was in store for me before i went.

3.1415926535 blarf points to the first person who can name the film the above steve martin/bill murray photo was stolen from. it's one of my favorites.

unless your kid aspires to be a dentist, one would think this game would get old quick


in two unrelated voicemails yesterday, i was called a "butt" and an "assbag"--coincidence??? i'm not sure what an assbag is, however it seems better than being called a "welfare bag", which was heard on the job at a recent domestic dispute.

Ben's Small World Irony Of The Day:

the new friend i took skiing last night went to high school with mars, and also knows slyker and his wifey. --that's whack.

And in Other Western New Yorker News:

apparently, if you're from western new york, it's cool to say "profesh" as a slang term from "professional" or "professional looking". i guess it's sorta like saying "pop" instead of "soda". western new yorkers are a weird bunch.


Bug the Goat's Stolen Quotes of the Day:

"Be still like squirrels" --Sarah (you had to be there)

"Cats are like dogs...that need to be shot" --Sarah (didn't have to be there)

"Weather like this makes me want to curl up and die" (just hope you're not there when it happens)

--i leave it up to Sarah to defend herself on these.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

DISCLAIMER: this is a very negative-sounding post. please disregard and enjoy.

RINGO: the dog too cute to kill

yes, he has a name now. after thousands of suggestions in the comments section, and hundreds more mailing their entries, and dozens of women showing up at my door with names and hopes of scoring a date with me, i finally settled on a name--with sarah's help.

his name is Ringo.

his middle name is unofficially Dingo. his last name, nonexistent. sarah and i made it official when we got one of those shrinky-dink nametags for his birthday, which, as you remember, is the day after mine--december 17th.

amy liu scored a "d'oh!" by suggesting the great name Riley, but suggesting it too late for consideration.

i walked into my bedroom the other night to find Ringo sprawled out on my bed with his feet up in air, tongue hanging out, snoozing... he awoke, looked at me, wagged his tail and gave me a shit eating grin. what a little little bastard.


and in continuation of the "Ben's Celebrity Look-a-Like Series":

the latest accusation from the guys at work is that i look like Steve Carell from the "40 year old virgin". it goes on & on. who will they think of next? maybe i should move back to the old spikey hairstyle to put the ki-bash to this one. but i dunno, steve is a good-looking guy... from a man's point of view, that is.


and then there's my hate affair with Shirley Temple:

recently i discussed with sarah my *HATE* for Shirley Temple--the sickeningly sweet songs, overpowering cutesy-ness, and the "i'm so cute it hurts so good" bullshit. this wasn't worth mentioning until irony struck when i went back to my old barber for the first time in months. i was sitting there in the chair when a Shirley Temple movie ad came on and my barber said, "oh, i just love Shirley Temple!" i almost barfed all over the hair apron.

an evil Welch's pitchman pitchkid

in that same vein, i also hate the Welch's grape juice ads that use Temple-esque children. those ads make me want to send a nasty letter to Welch's. there's nothing i hate more than a kid who think's he's all that and more. kinda like the kids you see on Star Search.


and a note from the Grinch Department:

didn't get a christmas card from me this year? don't worry, it wasn't by mistake. no, the mailman didn't fudge up. no, the dog didn't eat your card (he's done alot, but he hasn't done that.) no, it's much simplier than that...


yep, that's right. i've sent them out for several years now, but this year i said to hell with it. for one thing, i have endured ridicule from mark for being a single white male who sends christmas cards (he says that's what married people do, not single guys.) just because of that, i was sure to send him a card every year to make him uncomfortable as a person could possibly be after getting a christmas card from a single white guy.

another reason is i've also gotten little to no response from anyone after sending the damn things, aside from a few people who send cards back who were clearly caught off guard and tried to return the favor to avoid looking like christmas dicks. but the true sentiment was obviously lacking, so they still looked like christmas dicks.

so who's the christmas dick this year? ME! and i loved every second of it.

and guess who sent me one of the only christmas cards i got this year? the irony runs thick and deep here--Mark did. but his excuse is he got married this summer, so it's not weird for him to send one. the other senders were Kat and Alex--thanks, you two, but don't expect one back. Merry Christmas from the blarf. --that's all you get.


on to other things....

the christmas spirit slapped me silly when i plowed the driveway for the first time using dad's plow truck. it's been a few years since i've used a plow, plus dad's tires are bald, so it didn't take much for me to slide the truck off the driveway and end up about 4 inches from the corner of the garage--on the first pass. i blame it on the bald tires and the frozen ruts that made me slide off the drive. regardless of the cause, it still sucked. i had to have dan come down and help a brotha out...of the snow, that is.

more about snow....

i've begun a second job as a ski instructor. actually, i was still considered a "candidate" up until a week ago, but they imply that anyone should be able to make it, and i am just that--anyone. so i made it. i won't really make much money doing it, but i get to ski for free all season--nifty. and what's niftier is skiing with my cell phone and bluetooth wireless earpiece. i get bored while talking on the phone, so combining it with skiing takes the phone conversation figity-ness and puts it to good use. but with the earpiece under your hat, people look at you weird though when you get on the ski lift while talking to yourself. ah well. what do i care?


and then there's Wetwerks...

...who just opened for Bon Jovi at the Pepsi arena in front of 13,000 people. sweet. good luck, seth. that's awesome. you can find Wetwerks on iTunes, or click on the Wetwerks link on my sidebar.


nothing new from Bug the Goat this time--he's milking sick leave, doing super secret goat stuff, or some lazy goat shit like that. damn Local Goat Union #765 is all over me lately; can't do nothing about it.

that's it for now. good riddance to 2005; may 2006 not suck quite as bad.