. . . . . . . The Daily Blarf

Sunday, April 25, 2004

quote of the day: "i wouldn't miss this goat ropin' for nuthin'!" ~Darrell Waltrip, on the conclusion of the Aaron's 499 @ Talledega, 4-25-04

me (kenickie) and rob (danny) in my version of greased lightning

the landmark theatre is a beautiful building. that was the first thing i noticed when i walked in.

the second thing i noticed was that the cheap seats were sold out and it would cost me $44.75 to see this traveling broadway-ripoff of "grease". and having been looking forward to seeing the show for a month and nearly missing it cuz i was running behind (me, behind? nooo) i had to plunk down the plastic and bite the weenie.* in that respect, i guess it's good that both of my potential female companions couldn't make it, cuz DAMN, it woulda been expensive. (so uhh, yeah, i was there by myself, i hate to admit.) i'm actually not a fan of the storyline of grease, since sandra d. has to change her image to that of a cigarette-smoking skank in order to get the man of her dreams. if i hadn't been in grease while at suny morrisville, i wouldn't have bothered coming, but i do make it a point to see grease whenever and wherever possible just for that reason. and me being the car nut, i do have to size up the sorry excuses people come up with for "greased lightning"--it's always nice to know the greased lightning car i built TOTALLY KICKED ASS compared to anything anyone else has made.

i wasn't too late, actually--vince fontaine was just warming up the crowd as i sat down. the show was really good, and their version of greased lightning wasn't too bad--a scaled down, stylized, chopped version of a '57 chevy. not bad... but not too creative, either. mine had magnetic removable lightning bolts and two distinct sides for different scenes--and these guys used flames, not lightning bolts--FLAMES?? it's greased LIGHTNING, not flaming grease...or greased flamer... oh well, whatever.

above and beyond that, it was a good show, highlighted by the appearance of Frankie Avalon. i couldn't believe the response from the crowd--especially from the busloads of highschoolers in attendance. the way they were acting you woulda thought we were at the landmark's Godsmack concert last week.

as i was sitting there, i realized that i really haven't ever done much stuff like this since i've been in syracuse, and hopefully i won't be here much longer if things go according to plan, so i feel like i have squandered my time here. sure, i've been to crunch games, armory square, dance clubs, and stuff, but i haven't taken advantage of the cultural goodies (and yes, mark, syracuse does have some culture.) maybe if i just had someone to do stuff with... *sniff sniff*

after the show, i grudgingly went to benchwarmers, the bar i DJ at:

yup, i'm that "live" dj... as opposed to a dead or faux one. for once, my name in print!! well, not exactly!

i say "grudgingly" cuz i was tired, i had to work in the morning, and i shoulda been getting some sleep. but it was, afterall, karaoke night, and i could hang out at the bar instead of camp out in the dj booth since i wasn't working. plus, the hottest of the bartenders was working and i told her i'd be there. it was a good time. sang a couple songs. didn't feel embarrassed at all since everyone else's singing was delightfully crappy.

after staying there too long, i came home to find my desk crawling with ants. this ant situation is getting silly. i can't set down a bottle of soda without these damn ants carrying it away before my next sip. the complex has a serious ant problem, and i think my living room is the freaking epicenter. the spraying they did before did nothing. it's whack. ants ants ants. and oh yeah, i've got pigeons roosting on my air conditioner. and i don't have the heart to toss the egg-filled nest off my 3rd floor balcony, so now i guess i've got roommates. they'd better be gone by A/C season or the eggs are gonna cook in the shells from the heat it gives off, and that's not a problem i want. ugh--stanky eggs. to the eggs: hurry up and hatch, please, and then get the hell outta here.

i also rented schindler's list on DVD this week--very good movie. haven't seen it since i went to the theater with my 10th grade history class 10 years ago. (man, that makes me feel old.) it hit me a little harder this time than when i was a high schooler--it's a stark reminder of how awful people can be to each other, and how horrible life can be. i felt pretty sheepish sitting there in my apartment, stuffing my fat american face with food, fretting over my trivial aquarium, watching blissful 1950's musicals, and clogging my mind with other stupid american issues on a daily basis, while ethnic cleansing still happens every day, right now, in the 21st century. it's disgusting. i get upset when a $5 fish dies--i can't imagine being a jew in nazi germany, or even an ordinary citizen in iraq, where human life means so little.

and then yesterday, i had more trivial american bullshit to worry about when i tried to return schindler's list to freaking blockbuster. talk about a bunch of bastards--i was not in a good mood to begin with since i'd only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night before cuz of DJing. as you know, they want you to return movies in the drop slot outside the building and then come in and rent another one. except this time, i was returning it late and wanted to pay the late fee now, rather than wait til next time. every time i do this it's a complete pain in the ass because they don't like doing it that way. there's a computer and a counter by the entrance door, but NO ONE ever comes over there, so i had to loudly clear my throat and tap the DVD case on the counter to get the attention of the clearly bored and freewheeling clerks.
"may i help you?"
"yes, i'd like to know what the late fee on this is."
"ok, just a moment."
then i waited again while she dicked around and finally scanned the movie. she finally said, "this was actually a two-day rental, not a one-week, but i'll take that charge off. the fee is $8.56." huh? $8.56? wtf? i don't care what the computer tells you--quit pressing the "dumb" button, fool! the charge should be 4.27. we went back and forth and then the dipsy manager got into it too. for starters, this was rented to me as a ONE WEEK rental, and i know this cuz when i rented it THE CASHIER TOLD ME SO, and it SAID SO on the receipt, and it SAID SO on the DVD box, so damn right you're taking that extra charge off. and about this double late fee? i had the movie for 10 days. on the 7th day, i was charged the normal late fee of 4.27. AND THEN it was re-rented to me for another 4.27? what the hell is up with that? it's never been done like that before. by that rationale, i coulda returned it on time, had them spend labor checking it in and restocking it, and then i (or another customer) could rent it again for another week and the company would make 4.27 less. but because i kept it, i was charged double and they didn't have to do anything AT ALL. i coulda bought the movie for the amount they wanted to charge me originally, but i bitched them down from nearly 20 bucks to $4.27, which is what it was SUPPOSED to freaking be.

am i happy now? NO. cuz the bullshit policy is still in place and they'll keep on screwing people like that. this is the kind of business policy that makes me really hope video rental places die a slow, money-bleeding death, as cable/satellite technology reaches the point where we can rent any movie we want off the tv. blockbuster? dead in 10 years! i will put money on that. eat death, blockbuster. i will bring balloons, cake, and a pony to your funeral.

until then, save all of your blockbuster receipts and fight for your rights!

anyway, that's the way i felt with a lack of sleep. i'm much better now. i promise. but i still hate blockbuster and if there was a hollywood video around, i'd go there instead, but they probably do the same thing anyway.

quote of the day: "get ready for a mouth whuppin'" ~burger king ad
check out www.subservientchicken.com for more burger king propaganda. try it! try it!

i've had enough. i'm bitchblarft out. leave comments.

*for those of you who don't have it memorized, that's a grease quote.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

more blarf brewing...

Sunday, April 18, 2004

the first thunderstorm of the season.

just like mcdonalds, i'm lovin' it.

i love thunder. the driving rain. watching the rain pour off the roof while i'm on the balcony. so what if the power went off and i lost my blarf post? thunderstorms mean springtime, baby.

last night's DJing was my best yet. i was on fire. songs were tight together. music was perfect. the house was rockin'. it's ok that there were only 20-some people there--they were loving it. i was gooood. only i can mix j-kwon, jonny cash, the white stripes, BTO, beyonce, alan jackson, and james brown and make it work. mixing rock, country, oldies, rap, r&b, pop, and alternative can be dangerous, but i can pull it off. hell, this job could actually lead to something good--i could actually do this on my own--when i get more equipment. until then, i'm using the house stuff--for this one and only gig.

When it comes to requests: "your opinions mean nothing to me!" ~Al Bundy (just kidding, i honor requests as much as possible. just quit asking for DMX every five minutes--once a night is all you get. and quit asking for multiple songs from the same artist--you CAN'T do that. no no no.)

anyway, enough about me and how good i am. i was just trying to think of something to say anyway. i've been so busy that i haven't had time to think, let alone blarf. today, i have to work out, clean house, do laundry, watch the race, clean the fish tank, and make the 3 hour round trip home for dinner with the fam. and then be in bed by 11pm so i'm not dragging ass at work for 11 hours. ugh.

i need more days off. so much to do! saturdays are the worst--i get only 4-5 hours of sleep between DJing friday night and going to work in the morning, and then i have to DJ again that night. and there has to be time in there for errands, more song downloading from iTunes, and a nap. i've never been a napper before, but now a Saturday Evening Nap is a must. otherwise i'll run out of steam by midnight, and DJing goes til 2.

speaking of running out of steam--this post is done. the blarf must suffer today. i apologize. i got stuff to do. off i go.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004


Sunday, April 11, 2004

william hung.


shit, i coulda been william hung.

"inspiration"?--for what? clueless yet lucky people with no shame, everywhere? i guess.

why is it always someone else that makes something out of nothing? like the guy who invented the battery-powered, leg-humping mechanical dog? ("the perfect [gift] for the man who has everything except a girlfriend!") or i coulda been jim benton, the guy who invented those happy bunny cartoons.

so simple, yet so lucrative.

how long will it be before authorities catch william hung in a seedy motel with methamphetamine and a crack-addled, drunken hooker passed out in the bathtub? how long will it take for fame to overwhelm this little engineering student? when will he crack and crumble? how much of a cut is he getting from his CD sales? enough to cover a hooker & heroin tab? only time will tell.

just kidding. i don't wish any of these things on william. i'm just jealous. i really need a get-rich scheme of my own.

Dias los U-Joints

today was all about u-joints. i brought my jeep into the ford dealership (where i work) to have some fixin' done--the u-joints on the front axle knuckles--they have been total junk for... all 7 years that i've owned the vehicle! for 265 bucks, i had them replaced, and now i can put it into 4 wheel drive and be a little more confident that it's not gonna spit the joints out on the ground. yay! and i even got to watch and pester the shit out of the mechanic that did it. he did in an hour what would have taken me 2 days and caused me alotta grief.

and THEN...

the stoner guy from the body shop has a POS (Piece Of Shit) CJ7. and he's a numb nut that always calls you "man" (don't confuse this guy with terry [see the goat post.]) his CJ7 is running in only rear wheel drive--cuz he couldnt be bothered to put new u-joints on the front driveshaft, so instead he just took the shaft off. so now...he just grenaded one of the rear joints while leaving work today, which left him with no-wheel-drive. and wouldn't you know, i happened to have a spare when he needed it. i didn't hesitate to give it to him, but after i did, i had a twinge of regret...

you see, this u-joint had sentimental value.

now before you start rolling your eyes in disdain, let me explain:

i've had this u-joint for...4 years! and it's got character. it's missing one bearing cap and the zerk fitting. why? cuz on spring break 2000, we drove the scrambler to florida, and on the way to disney world, a u-joint bearing cap spit out of the rear shaft after the retaining bolts loosened up. i had to fix it--in a dusty parking lot in some honky rural florida town somewhere between melbourne and orlando. since changing the whole joint was out of the question because of our time constraints, i only swapped the cap, patted myself on the back for a "mcgyver-style" job well done, and carried on to disneyworld with the (then) girlfriend. we had a hell of a time.

and since then, i've been carrying around this new u-joint with one cap missing, unable to bring myself to throw it away even though it's pretty much useless. (you never know when you might need another bearing cap! never throw anything away!)

and thus it has become a memento of spring break '00.

and i just gave it to this brainfried knucklehead for nothing. dammit. well, at least he's a jeeper, and at least he's putting it to use.

but i miss it already--good luck, buddy! you're now doing what you were always meant to do! i'll be seeing you in that giant junkyard in the sky someday. (that's my version of heaven, in case you're wondering--the world's largest U-Pull-It junkyard full of jeeps.)

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

no pussyfooting around here--i'm all business, beotch

so about that grandiose blarf i promised... at least pretend to like it:

my current financial situation is about as dire as it gets--even worse than when i was a struggling roadside sweet corn salesman in the 7th grade. (actually, that was a pretty good gig, and i'd do it again in a heartbeat if i just had some corn and a road.) lately i've been scouring the paper for new jobs, and i came across what seems to be the perfect supplemental job--a disc jockey.
i sat on it for a day or two before i decided to call, being unsure if i was really cut out for the job, or if my selection of music would be big enough or good enough. but decided to go for it anyway, and after a discreet drive-by of the place (as discreet as you can be in a neon blue jeep scrambler) i stopped in for an application. the place is nothing flashy, but not a shithole either. the bartender scrounged up an application for me and i sat there at the bar wondering what the hell i was supposed to put on it. i left most of it blank, since it probably doesn't matter where i went to grammar school and i didn't really need (or have) 3 references that would be beneficial to the situation. in the "special skills" section, i simply scrawled "have DJ experience from college; music includes rock, country, alternative, and a little bit of everything."

the next day i got a call from the owner and i had an "interview" this past wednesday. it was more like, "this is how you use the equipment" and "you start tomorrow" than an interview. apparently i was the only applicant.

the first gig would be thursday--pool league night--an informal shakedown run to get familiar with the mixer & stuff. and an opportunity for the owner to see if i sucked or not before allowing me to plunge facefirst into a friday night crowd. i spent all of wednesday afternoon and evening putting my 300+ cds into a new, $50 carry case. (i left out certain stuff i know i'll never play, such as vanilla ice and my 30-disc beach boys collection.) i also started burning songs off of my computer, and it was then that i realized that not only would i be using my own music for public use (probably illegal) i was also doing this under the table (albiet at the owner's request--definitely not legal.) not that i don't like cash--but when a guy is trying to get into the academy, breaking laws ain't exactly a great idea. but damn, do i ever need money, so... i continued.

i walked in to the place on thursday night to the stares of many drunks--a metrosexual dude with cowboy boots, a backpack, and a huge attaché-style CD case clutched tightly under arm tends to draw attention. i was wary about carrying around about $4k+ in cds and equipment--this shit was not leaving my side and I had a death grip on the handle at every moment.
i felt more at ease as i sat & waited for the owner. the bartenders are all chicks and they're all hot, and super-nice too (although i did have to pay for my first beer.) everyone was pretty easygoing and i felt like part of the group within minutes. my questions about the possibility of free beer were answered when one of them brought over an ice-filled bucket of bud lights for the DJ booth--yes! --meeting new people, playing music that i love, making money and drinking free beer--this could be too good.

side note: if i'd known, when i graduated from cornell, that by the age of 26 i'd be selling cars and moonlighting as a dj, and would be single and living alone, i probably would have killed myself by jumping in the fall creek gorge--twice. mark and i have pondered this quite a bit lately. perhaps if he had known when he graduated that he would be single and unemployed for 8 months, he might have have had similar depressing thoughts. but he's back on his feet now, and back in boston, and enjoys bitching about his new apartment and coworkers.

having said that, i too have been enjoying myself lately. now back to the story:

in most respects, it was similar to my bygone days at the frat house, except this time i don’t have any blacklites, strobes, or disco lights. or the light bar off of a cop car running on a boat battery--but that’s ok. the booth is equipped with christmas lights, neon beer signs, hi-tech do equipment and, not surprisingly, that funky cigarettes & beer-fart smell.
i started out with safe stuff, like classic rock. the crowd was pretty much all sausage, so there was no point in trying to appeal to the women, but i did include as much chick-friendly stuff as possible (you gotta play the stuff the ladies want--if you don’t please the ladies, you won’t have the ladies, and then you won’t have the men, and then you won’t have the money.) i also dared myself to play country (starting with a little less talk and a lot more action by toby keith) and got an immediate "what the F*CK is THIS shit?!?" from the back of the bar--hmmm. they might need to be weened onto that stuff. but hey, the owner wants a little of everything, that's what he's gonna get. then of course, you’ll have people making requests--”you should play some good rock & roll, like.. uhh… bob seger… uh, that kind of stuff,” said the drunken 40-something chick (who looked like she came straight out of the 1980’s.) the drunken wigger: “yo man, you got any DMX?”--why yes, as a matter of fact, i do. the hot, 30-something, mother-of-three bartender: “can you play jessica simpson?”--no, sorry. don't have it. the drunk, belligerent white guy: “you ROCK! 311! YEAH! you PLAY that shit!” the other bartender wanted me to break the golden rule--play a song more than once (lose yourself by eminem)--and i did it, but not until at least an hour after the first time. the 40 something chick: “you should play...uhh.. something like...bob seger!”--ok, as if i didn’t hear you the first time, and as if you didn’t hear me play the fire down below already. then there is the biggest pain in the ass of all--the guy that wants you to play stuff you’ve never heard of: “you got any (insert unknown shitty alt/hard rock band here)? NO. --no?!? aww, man, you’re killin' me!” and of course there were the beginner screwups, like when i cued up the wrong song--but the show must go on, and you can never let them know you screwed up--"yes, i truly meant to play shake that ass bitch by 2 live crew, so get the hell out of my booth."--stuff like that, you know.

i did a miniscule favor for my chilhood friend seth warden by playing the song burn by his band, wetwerks. It was played to a crowd of only about 20 people, but that’s 20 more people that have heard the band. unfortunately, i didn’t announce it as anything special, so they probably assumed it was a unknown song of a well known alt/hard rock band. i’ll play wetwerks more in the future, for sure.

i guess i did alright, cuz i still had the job for the regular schedule--friday and saturday nights. for the rest of the week, if i wasn’t at the regular job selling cars, i was home burning songs off of my computer (about 20 cds and counting) or at the bar spinning them. the owner really likes what i’ve done although he wants some more dance & techno--the first creative difference we've had. he wants that stuff to attract the ladies--an admirable thought, but you can’t expect to turn a slightly seedy sports bar into a pumpin’ nightclub by playing dance music. but yes, i mixed in some dance, at his request.

the free beer thing is great, but to make it fun, i’d have to drink like 2-3 beers an hour (10-15 a night--eek) and if i did that, i’d get sloppy on the mixer, fat in he ass, and be hungover at work. and my safe rate of about one beer an hour just gives me carbs and headaches, so i switched to mountain dew on the second night. my back is bent from stooping over the mixer board, my clothes stink (even with the smoking ban) and i’ve been running on hardly any sleep, but another $150 a week sure comes in handy (and maybe more if the music draws more people.) i’ve decided to earmark 25 bucks a week for more iTunes. i cant say enough about iTunes--it’s just sooo easy to find what you want. for instance, i clicked on the “top 100 downloads”, shopped my way thru, and had bought about 40 songs before i was done. that will help flesh out my new, hip stuff to augment my classic rock and country collection. and as for burning the songs, itunes makes it sooo freakin' easy. i can make a 20-song disc in less than five minutes, whereas it used to take me about half an hour with my old burning software and i was guaranteed to get a headache.

so that’s my life right now. that’s why i haven’t been blarfing. i’ll be freer now that i’ve got the dj thing up and running. more blarf in a bit. leave comments, suckas.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

the blarf just isn't the same without a good old bitchfest.

today's topic: the new coinless laundry system at my apartment complex.

goddamn. i hate it.

the management was proud to announce that we would soon be getting a coinless laundry system. i thought, there's got to be a catch. what's in it for the laundry company? new machines and hi-tech card-swiping shit isn't cheap. well, in the end, it is. to start out, they graciously give you a swipe card with $3 on it. that will get you a free wash & dry. BUT... you have to pick up the card at the office, during business hours. this is sunday and i need to get laundry done. so i had to buy a card out of the machine, which is inconveniently located outside the office, a couple buildings over from mine. that's the first pain in the ass. today was also a cold, snowy, windy day, and i was still in my sweats & t shirt. i went over, hoping it would accept the quarters i've accumulated for the old machines. ha ha, no. the card costs five bucks, 2 dollars of which goes toward the luxury of owning the card. so i went back to my place and came back with a bunch of ones. oh, wait--it doesn't take $1's--only 5's, 10's and 20's. so i had to run back to my apartment AGAIN for a five. you see, that's where the gimmick is. you have to put a sizeable amount of money on the card, and when you do, it's money spent, whether you ever use it or not. (you'd better not lose the card, either, or you're screwed.) AND, since all the money is handled at that one location, the laundry company doesn't have to go into the basement of each building to collect quarters. plus, it's all paper money. so while your money is tied up on the card, the company is already spending it for you.
as added insults, the dryer costs a 25 cents more, and the washer is a front loader, so you cant add an item after the machine's started. so if you find another sock somewhere after it's running, you gotta wash it next time, and for a compulsive perfectionist such as myself, that's a real bitch.


the dream department: had a dream last night where i woke up to find i had gotten FIVE TATTOOS on my arms. and they were weird, pansy-assed ones, too, like cartoonish characters and random objects. i'm 100% against ever getting a tattoo, so it was a shock indeed. (why would you ever want to put something on your body for the rest of your life? at some point you're gonna say, "what the F*CK did i get this for?") but oddly enough, it was a bit of a thrill to have them--like i was all the sudden some kind of bad ass. but luckily, i woke up this morning with 0.00 tattoos anywhere. *whew*

and then the other part of the dream was: filly buccillo was a new employee at my workplace. (you know who HE is--"it's HUGE, Tom!") i can't stand that guy and i'm glad i don't work at his dealerships. he was being a jerk and i wanted to punch him in the mouth. he was pulling this incognito act for some reason, i was the only one who recognized him. i'm seeing a common thread in these dreams lately--i'm the only one who knows what the hell is going on.

then i woke up. the end.

for you faithful blarflovers: i will soon be posting the most grandiose blarf ever written. please stay tuned. sorry for the delay; my life's been a little apeshit lately. please accept this stopgap blarf for now. in the meantime, check out marley's new blarf ...i mean blog. ("blarf" is copyrighted by Ben's Daily Blarf, Inc., and may not be used without permission. unless you want to.) isn't it great to inspire someone to start their own blog??? who woulda thought my listless crap 'o blarf would inspire anyone?

leave love and comments.

just kidding about the incorporation. (it's only an LLC.) oh, and to billy fuccillo--just kidding! love ya! please don't send your mobster gestapo after me to break my kneecaps! *hugs*