. . . . . . . The Daily Blarf

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

well, now we've got that hundredth post out of the way.

it was pretty intimidating trying to come up with something worthy of #100--that's why i took the easy way out and made a post out of other people's crap.

so. what have i been up to for the last few weeks? if you get bored easily, you might want to speed-read this post. it's not my usual blarf--i try to stay away from this narrative diary crap that fills too many a blog--it's like this:

at the end of july, i was still working at the ford dealership and was definately leaving, just not sure of where i was going. i did the foolish thing by giving two weeks notice before aquiring a new job and hoped for the best. the idea was, if i couldn't find anything good job-wise, i'd "fold" and go home to the family business. the fam is planning on some changes to our home & garden/feed store/hardware store--we will probably be switching from the basically defunct, bankrupt and nearly worthless Agway name to the nationally-recognized True Value franchise. and with that change, an expansion is in order, in size as well as number of employees.

that's where i was to come in--if i didn't find a reason to stay in syracuse first. don't get me wrong; i want nothing more than to move back home to the family farm, live in the country, and have my future children grow up with their cousins. but that's just it--i ain't got any family or a significant other right now. so the farm, in a town of about 600, just isn't the place for me right now. the longer i'm in syracuse the more comfortable i am here. i still see it as only a pit stop on the way back home... but the stop isn't over yet.

after worrying i wasn't gonna find any alternatives, i made peace with the thought of moving home and started making plans for it. my lease was up, the job was over, and i was trying to figure out how i'd ever pay my bills on the lower pay and how i'd ever find the same social life i have here. and i was also resigned to the thought that my generic, 4-year old ivy league diploma had lost it's potency in this limp-dicked job market. my all-new resume was languishing on monster.com and i was left with only the classifieds, which we all know is not the best way to find a job (the best way is networking)--but that's when i found them.

at the last moment i found and applied for two automotive management jobs, ironically both on the same street in liverpool within sight of each other. ironic again because this is on the other side of the city and i used to drive to liverpool to play in my volleyball league (at hooligan's--also on the same street) and i always noticed how nice liverpool was compared to dewitt and how i'd like to live here if i had a reason to.

both interviews went well, one in particular. instead of trying to sell myself to the interviewers, it ended up with them trying to sell the job to me. pretty freaking cool--especially when one of the interviewers was the vice president of the largest franchise chain in the corporation.

so it was then that i had to sever my hastily-laid and piss-poor plans for going home and completely change direction. i spent days searching for a new apartment in liverpool. i was originally thinking i'd go cheaper to save money, but after having my jeep broken into recently, i just couldn't justify living in a sketchy area to save money anymore. it's not like country living here--cheap rent means scummy neighbors. PERIOD. so i finally settled on a reasonable yet swanky place about a mile and a half from the new job. this new place is great. the young urban professional crowd appears to dominate here. there's an adult pool and a kiddie pool, a beach volleyball court, and immaculate grounds--on the edge of the senaca river. absolutely beautiful and about the same cost as my last apartment in dewitt. it's great. great great great great. it's great.

we can thank Jonny Snapper for this shot. ah yes, just hearing the term "snapper" brings back memories of my pledge semester of the fall of '98. you know what SNAPPER is--don't play dumb! anyway, back to the story:

as my coup de grace at the ford dealership, i bought a new car. (new to me, anyway.) it was the perfect trade-in at the perfect time. i got hosed on the price since i knew what it was traded in for, but it's still a good deal on a '98 eddie bauer ford explorer. i wrote my own deal and got my own loan--kinda cool to finally do that for myself instead of for a customer. with that "sale", i finished my career as a car salesman with a grand total of 20 car sales. considering the slowness of the dealership and my lack of sleaziness, that's not a shabby number. the job experience has benefits, too--i'd been dying to help someone buy a car with my experience behind the sales desk. i ended up helping my friend (the ex-girlfriend) negotiate a new car purchase in july. it was fun duking it out with the salesman when he had no idea i had experience in his line of work.

mmmm doncha just LOVE beach volleyball? oh yes, i do i do i do.

but the end of july was a freakin' nightmare. the new job wanted me to start asap. i had to move out of the old apartment asap. i had to get the new car on the road asap. i had to get pictures of the new explorer for insurance reasons (what a bunch of bullshit! i thought they did that only in communist states like MA.) and i had to do about a million other things asap too. on top of that, i had just signed a new lease and now, for the first time in my life, i have a car payment. i also underestimated the hellish scope of moving--i had one coworker to help me move and he surely regretted it after finding it was just the two of us. my first days on the new job were completely overwhelming and scared me shitless. i was living out of boxes. i had no groceries. i had no money. i had nothing saved cuz the money i made at the dealership was shit. i had to bum off of my dad again (the same person who was going to be my boss and my landlord until i severed those plans.) and i had no money for lunches. or breakfast. or dinner, for that matter. one of the credit cards maxed out. i had to come up with a new security deposit before i got the old one back. i had to come up with COBRA money. i was totally freaking broke and would have to work for a week before i'd get anything. oh, and the new job wanted me to buy a $3500 snap-on diagnostic scanner because none of my employees credit ratings could handle the purchase. did i mention that snap-on automatically charges an interest rate of 16%? it doesn't take experience in the world of car sales to know that you're getting ass-raped at that rate.

and then the first paycheck came in. back in the money, bitch! who hoo! this was money as good as or better than what i was making at eltaday onicsay (pig latin translator) and after about 8 months of austerity, i've conditioned myself to living extremely frugally, so any extra money will go straight to bills. unbelievably, i have not used a credit card in over a week and it's going to fucking stay that way.

it took weeks to get everything unpacked but now i can say the new place is clean, organized, and nice enough to invite people over. even my fish have a new home--i splurged on a 55 gallon aquarium and some more plants, decorations, and of course, more fish. now i'm living close to work, close to the volleyball league, and closer to many of my friends. and FINALLY--the jeep scrambler will finally take it's place as the "2nd" vehicle. to this day, i remember august of 1997 when my dad said the jeep would make a great 2nd vehicle, but not a daily driver. after 7 years nearly to the day, the jeep has gone into semi-retirement. it is now to be used only on days off, for cruising, for fun, vacations, jeep jamborees, and teaching friends how to drive stick (which i'm doing right now)--just not for work. no more daily driving for the jeep. the explorer has been a great replacement. it's got all the gimmicky shit on it and stuff like that and its super clean & runs great. the only issue now is two of the aluminum rims leak air around the bead something awful so my tires go soft in a few days which makes it handle like a drunken camel in a sea of jello. now i know why explorers (and all SUVs) roll over so well with underinflated tires (remember the firestone tire fiasco?) and no amount of bead sealer will fix these goddamn rims. at least i have an unlimited supply of air at my new job.

about that new job--it's coming along. it's a great experience. if you're wondering who i work for, it's a national chain of auto service shops named after a certain mythical king who had the golden touch. you figure it out. and i have to say, managing adults is WAAAAY easier than managing peckerheaded teenagers like i did before. these guys actually need a paycheck and will do what they are told--unlike those worthless, unappreciative, soft, whiney little shits that are the future of america. but that's another story. not to say these guys are total robots by any means, and they sure aren't angels. but at least they aren't cocky, lazy teenagers.

and wouldn't you know, as soon as i get my ass back on it's feet, with a new job, new apartment, new car, and a new life--who comes calling?

the state troopers.

yes, the new york state police came knocking again. apparently i scored very well on the latest trooper test taken in march (ranked 1900-ish out of 20,000 applicants) and my name had been reached again. (to save the explanation of how the testing, scoring, and ranking works, just think of it like this: the last time i was trying to get in was off of the "old" list. this is the "new" list, and you are recycled regardless of what you did last time around.) would i be attending the upcoming processing, they asked. well, i didn't even know about it, i replied. i was however in the process of appealing my last rejection. with my latest hearing tests with the hearing aid, i actually meet the hearing requirements. (again, it's complicated testing and i won't bother to explain it all.) so this time around, both parties needed to know if my hearing was suitable up front, or the whole process would be a waste of time. so i submitted my appeal, and........


hearing still not good enough. damn.


but i expected the result. i was merely hoping to be pleasantly surprised. i was not.

so this pretty much wraps it up for my career in law enforcement. back to plan A: work towards my own business. this new job is helping with that.


all things considered, i'm doing just fine lately. most things have fallen into place. i have a little theory about life:

there are three things that make a person happy:

1. your career. 2. where you live. 3. who you're with.

(and not in that order)

you can have all three of those things and be very happy, or have two things and be pretty happy. have just one of those things and life will pretty much suck. i have finally gotten to the point where i have satisfied the job and the living status. the dating status remains to be seen. sure, the social life has been really good lately. but i'm busy as a bastard working 55 hours a week so other things suffer.
dating--shit, what is that?

that just about wraps it up. welcome to the present. it's time for a Miller High Life Light.

--and now back to your regular style blarf. stay tuned.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

just what is that duck doing, anyway

100th blarf post 100th blarf post 100th blarf post 100th blarf

first, thanks to all of you readers. (yes, All 3 of you!) if it wasn’t for you, i’d be… i’d still be blarfing. But anyway….

i thought i’d share some of the more interesting searches that have brought people to the blarf over the last 11 months. i’ve broken down the best-est stuff into some categories for easier digestion (and i swear i’ve made NONE of this up):

for starters, we have the “i should be getting paid for these endorsements” section:

“enzyte pic advertisement” (smilin' bob!)
“crowley’s yogurt”
“right guard sport stick”
“cool shit for dodge durango”
“rembrandt night tooth whitener” (try it)
“martin senour sucks” (actually it doesn't)
“freeville driving range”
“kat kit disposable litter boxes”
“golden griddle syrup site location”
“supercuts sucks” (pretty much)
“emachines T2792”
“krispie kreme donuts syracuse”
“vintage dow scrubbing bubbles”
“JP mulligans Syracuse”
“schoharie county demolition derby”
“bowl mor lanes syracuse”
“napa rust converter”
“pritchard dodge Ithaca”
and a million searches for quizno’s subs (and those goddamn rodents)

And the most interesting category--porn related (cover the children's eyes!):

“lucy liu xxx”
“viable panty line pix”
“Sexy xxx photo piss”
“cornholed girls”
“need dicked source”
“asian hoes xxx”
“CJ panty pics”
“free naughty pics”
“xxx white hoes black dicks”
“molester moustache . com”
“anal destruction xxx photos”
and my personal favorite: “subliminal message to make women have anal sex”

the celebrity section:

“ben stiller pooping”
“lucy liu freckles”
“britney and ben”
“kid rock’s income”
“uma Thurman is ugly”
and about a million searches for “nicole Ritchie”

and the “perhaps you should refine your search” department:

“post nasal drip and move to hawaii”
“ben hell + achilles”
“pictures after my accident”
“colored timecards”
“spanish phrases haircut”
“50 most liked songs tally of the year”
“g-rated country cowboy pics”
“4H smell jeep”
“ben’s wiener”
“MA state law moving truck when it’s cold 30 below”
“i ran out of gas sputtering”
“kill bill open her skull”
“ben’s paint background”
“engineering screwups cartoons”
“used t-shirt presser heater”
“hotmail 2004 grapes”
“krispie kreme scratch ‘n sniff” (six times in a row)

and of course, there’s the technical help category, clearly the biggest one (and this is just a sampling):

“cj8 quick frame fix”
“jeep heater core”
“what kind of antifreeze do dirt bikes use”
“jeep brake caliper no core charge”
“homemade jeep plow frame”
“olds g-body”
“jeep wrangler interior removal”
“knight rider big wheel”
"chevy headlight problem 97”
“radiator remove apartment cap”
“shock hoops cj7”
“ran out of gas gauge”
“repairing burns in upholstery”
“cj 97 headlights aim”
“installing stereo receiver in jeep cj”
“amc eagle caliper”
“jeep wrangler oil change”
“powerwheels mods”

and the “shrink/self help” department:

“post relationship friendship”
“i have no life I have no friends”
“daily social life deaf”

and the song lyrics section:

“it’s been awhile staind paycheck”
“40 below and I don’t give a fuck got a heater in my truck”
“she has said goodbye too many times before n sync lyrics”
“shake that ass bitch”

and you know they’d come here for this stuff:

“awesome jeep scramblers”
“hot scrambler jeeps”
“what kind of car did kenickie fix up in grease”
“a lady to go with my jeep comanche”
“ben’s a dork . com”
“ben blarf blog jeep” (any variation of that)and a million and one jeep cj8/scrambler searches

and the “gee, I’m glad I could help” group:

“using a gas card and taking someone’s cash”
“pot brownie recipe” (they didn't find it here)
“looking for another job”
“benny’s car wash store hours”
“maybe smoking isn’t that bad” (nice try)
“buying a cat how-to” (aren't they free? cats are everywhere)
“buying a keg at wegmans” (i prefer reynolds variety store in ithaca)
“how to blarf” (forget it, there's only one blarf. actually two.)
“tips for survivor tv application”
“dead cat jokes”
“stink up a bathroom”
“men’s haircut ideas”
“how to clean a shower with dow scrubbing bubbles”
“finger lakes vacation ideas”
“budweiser farts”
“english longbow for sale”
“ben’s brownies”
"jobs that have to do with the hearing impared”

and the “I’m kinda curious myself” department:

“nice ass cute daily update”
“18 wheeler ran over robber pic”
“wetballs martin”
“yutz futs”
“which has a larger following: NASCAR or basketball”
“pansy assed wigger”
“sonic the cat” (remember him?)
“bala shark yawn”
“goats eat cans”
“coffee creamer whitener experiment”
“bbq and friends billboard advertisement”
“cyberspace station beheading”
“big ben’s horse highway accident” (sounds dreadful)
“bala shark giving birth”
“schorharie punks”
“cop with a perp pics”
“the shmucks Kingston”
“scrambler ass” (not sure what that is)


i was actually planning on filling you all in on what's been happening in my life lately, but that will have to wait. this list grew too long and i'm too tired now. all i can say is, at least i have finally blarfed. more soon. stay posted for post #101.

you've come a long way, blarfy.

Friday, August 06, 2004

ya know, not since high school (ok, maybe freshman year of college) have i had a crush on a real, tangible, living, breathing female (as opposed to, say, britney spears or something, who does not realistically exist in my life.) but now, at age 26, i am smitten like a 13-year old boy.

she is beautiful. and smart. and she's funny in a clever, low-key kinda way. GAWWWD is she ever cute. ugh! she's that girl you can't stare at enough. perfectly crafted. 0.00 flaws, physically and personality-wise.

--but she's outta my league. shit, yo, she ain't even in the game. besides, they're never as perfect as you think they are.


aww, never mind. i'm over her. back to the usual random useless bullshit:

RIP Rick James. i apologize for the low resolution of my rick james/family circus tribute. i spent, like, 10 minutes trying to make it look better and that was 9.5 minutes too long.

we can be at peace knowing that rick james is snorting coke in heaven with chris farley, elvis, and darryl strawberry (oops, he's not dead yet--how about bobby brown? naw, he ain't dead yet either. ah! john belushi! HE'S a dead drug addict. we have a winner!)
lesson of the day for the kiddies: do drugs and die. don't be like rick james, bitch.