. . . . . . . The Daily Blarf

Saturday, January 28, 2006

last night's skiing conditions were near-perfect.

i felt like a real instructor with my new, official "SKI INSTRUCTOR BEN" nametag. i taught two people how to ski last night--one was a friend and the other was a private lesson for a guy who hadn't skied in 20 years. he picked it up quickly and understood the heavy concepts and big words i used. it's difficult to explain things to people who are so stupid they do not know the explanations of words like "fall line", "perpendicular", "parallel", "your left" and "your other left".

it also annoys me when people cannot understand simple concepts like "walking sideways" (it's as simple as it sounds) or "snowplowing". it isn't like i don't explain things. people just don't want to listen. it's an uphill battle when the skiing newbie has the options of: 1. making his brain sweat by learning to ski, or 2. using as little brainpower as necessary by throwing down the skis and going tubing on the other hill.

even worse yet is trying to teach a little prick of a child, who can hardly handle fractions in math class, especially when they are singing the classic Beginner Skier Blues like:

Mommy and Daddy Made Me Go Skiing
I Hate This
The Boots Make My Feet Hurt
My Gloves Keep Falling Off
The Skis Make Me Walk Stupid
I Think I Have Frostbite; No Really, I Know I do
This Sucks, I Want to Go Tubing Instead

my complementary Ski Instructor Blues ditties:

I'm Going to Punch your Rich Obnoxious Daddy in the Mouth
I Hate You
Ski Boots Hurt More When Shoved Up the Ass
Keep the Goddamn Gloves on Your Hands and It Won't Be a Problem
The Skis Aren't Stupid, You Are
I Could Only Wish You Had Frostbite; No, Really, I Do
This Sucks, I Wish You Went Tubing Instead

--i *HATE* children with shitty attitudes. *HATE*


i forgot how much going to the dentist can suck.

i went to see Dr. Lee for my root canal yesterday.

i probably could have avoided it, but thanks to ignorance and beauracracy, i couldn't get my tooth properly fixed when i lost a filling, so it rotted away for 6 painful months while i waited for my health insurance elligibility to kick in, and then i had to wait for someone (anyone!) to get me the proper paperwork to sign up for dental insurance. and THEN i had to redo the paperwork because it was submitted incorrectly. all this crap took 6 months, and in that time, my tooth turned to shit from the inside out and could only be saved by a root canal.

i had the general idea about what a root canal was, but knew nothing about how it was done. i found out in short order.

first, they lead you into a room equipped with scary looking tools.

then they give you several shots, including one into the roof of the mouth, with a giant 1950's-style stainless steel syringe--i cringe. (it was about this point when i wanted to choke the shit out of Dr. Lee in the corner of his own office, but it was nothing personal.)

the rest is uncomfortable but not horribly painful:

the dentist guts your tooth with a bunch of grinder thingies.

then he puts this metal framework and rubber sheet crap in/on your mouth, not unlike something you'd see in marilyn manson's "Beautiful People" video.

then he jams these tiny little metal files all the way to the end of your tooth's root.

then he lowers your sperm count with x-rays.

then he fills the holes he made with crap to plug the now-purged tooth.

and finally he fills it in with a temporary filling and tells you to come back in a week.

so now, it still hurts. and i'll be back next week for the permanant filling.

--i'm glad i didn't know what was in store for me before i went.

3.1415926535 blarf points to the first person who can name the film the above steve martin/bill murray photo was stolen from. it's one of my favorites.

unless your kid aspires to be a dentist, one would think this game would get old quick


in two unrelated voicemails yesterday, i was called a "butt" and an "assbag"--coincidence??? i'm not sure what an assbag is, however it seems better than being called a "welfare bag", which was heard on the job at a recent domestic dispute.

Ben's Small World Irony Of The Day:

the new friend i took skiing last night went to high school with mars, and also knows slyker and his wifey. --that's whack.

And in Other Western New Yorker News:

apparently, if you're from western new york, it's cool to say "profesh" as a slang term from "professional" or "professional looking". i guess it's sorta like saying "pop" instead of "soda". western new yorkers are a weird bunch.


Bug the Goat's Stolen Quotes of the Day:

"Be still like squirrels" --Sarah (you had to be there)

"Cats are like dogs...that need to be shot" --Sarah (didn't have to be there)

"Weather like this makes me want to curl up and die" (just hope you're not there when it happens)

--i leave it up to Sarah to defend herself on these.