no pussyfooting around here--i'm all business, beotch

so about that grandiose blarf i promised... at least pretend to like it:

my current financial situation is about as dire as it gets--even worse than when i was a struggling roadside sweet corn salesman in the 7th grade. (actually, that was a pretty good gig, and i'd do it again in a heartbeat if i just had some corn and a road.) lately i've been scouring the paper for new jobs, and i came across what seems to be the perfect supplemental job--a disc jockey.
i sat on it for a day or two before i decided to call, being unsure if i was really cut out for the job, or if my selection of music would be big enough or good enough. but decided to go for it anyway, and after a discreet drive-by of the place (as discreet as you can be in a neon blue jeep scrambler) i stopped in for an application. the place is nothing flashy, but not a shithole either. the bartender scrounged up an application for me and i sat there at the bar wondering what the hell i was supposed to put on it. i left most of it blank, since it probably doesn't matter where i went to grammar school and i didn't really need (or have) 3 references that would be beneficial to the situation. in the "special skills" section, i simply scrawled "have DJ experience from college; music includes rock, country, alternative, and a little bit of everything."

the next day i got a call from the owner and i had an "interview" this past wednesday. it was more like, "this is how you use the equipment" and "you start tomorrow" than an interview. apparently i was the only applicant.

the first gig would be thursday--pool league night--an informal shakedown run to get familiar with the mixer & stuff. and an opportunity for the owner to see if i sucked or not before allowing me to plunge facefirst into a friday night crowd. i spent all of wednesday afternoon and evening putting my 300+ cds into a new, $50 carry case. (i left out certain stuff i know i'll never play, such as vanilla ice and my 30-disc beach boys collection.) i also started burning songs off of my computer, and it was then that i realized that not only would i be using my own music for public use (probably illegal) i was also doing this under the table (albiet at the owner's request--definitely not legal.) not that i don't like cash--but when a guy is trying to get into the academy, breaking laws ain't exactly a great idea. but damn, do i ever need money, so... i continued.



i walked in to the place on thursday night to the stares of many drunks--a metrosexual dude with cowboy boots, a backpack, and a huge attaché-style CD case clutched tightly under arm tends to draw attention. i was wary about carrying around about $4k+ in cds and equipment--this shit was not leaving my side and I had a death grip on the handle at every moment.
i felt more at ease as i sat & waited for the owner. the bartenders are all chicks and they're all hot, and super-nice too (although i did have to pay for my first beer.) everyone was pretty easygoing and i felt like part of the group within minutes. my questions about the possibility of free beer were answered when one of them brought over an ice-filled bucket of bud lights for the DJ booth--yes! --meeting new people, playing music that i love, making money and drinking free beer--this could be too good.



side note: if i'd known, when i graduated from cornell, that by the age of 26 i'd be selling cars and moonlighting as a dj, and would be single and living alone, i probably would have killed myself by jumping in the fall creek gorge--twice. mark and i have pondered this quite a bit lately. perhaps if he had known when he graduated that he would be single and unemployed for 8 months, he might have have had similar depressing thoughts. but he's back on his feet now, and back in boston, and enjoys bitching about his new apartment and coworkers.

having said that, i too have been enjoying myself lately. now back to the story:

in most respects, it was similar to my bygone days at the frat house, except this time i don’t have any blacklites, strobes, or disco lights. or the light bar off of a cop car running on a boat battery--but that’s ok. the booth is equipped with christmas lights, neon beer signs, hi-tech do equipment and, not surprisingly, that funky cigarettes & beer-fart smell.
i started out with safe stuff, like classic rock. the crowd was pretty much all sausage, so there was no point in trying to appeal to the women, but i did include as much chick-friendly stuff as possible (you gotta play the stuff the ladies want--if you don’t please the ladies, you won’t have the ladies, and then you won’t have the men, and then you won’t have the money.) i also dared myself to play country (starting with a little less talk and a lot more action by toby keith) and got an immediate "what the F*CK is THIS shit?!?" from the back of the bar--hmmm. they might need to be weened onto that stuff. but hey, the owner wants a little of everything, that's what he's gonna get. then of course, you’ll have people making requests--”you should play some good rock & roll, like.. uhh… bob seger… uh, that kind of stuff,” said the drunken 40-something chick (who looked like she came straight out of the 1980’s.) the drunken wigger: “yo man, you got any DMX?”--why yes, as a matter of fact, i do. the hot, 30-something, mother-of-three bartender: “can you play jessica simpson?”--no, sorry. don't have it. the drunk, belligerent white guy: “you ROCK! 311! YEAH! you PLAY that shit!” the other bartender wanted me to break the golden rule--play a song more than once (lose yourself by eminem)--and i did it, but not until at least an hour after the first time. the 40 something chick: “you should play...uhh.. something like...bob seger!”--ok, as if i didn’t hear you the first time, and as if you didn’t hear me play the fire down below already. then there is the biggest pain in the ass of all--the guy that wants you to play stuff you’ve never heard of: “you got any (insert unknown shitty alt/hard rock band here)? NO. --no?!? aww, man, you’re killin' me!” and of course there were the beginner screwups, like when i cued up the wrong song--but the show must go on, and you can never let them know you screwed up--"yes, i truly meant to play shake that ass bitch by 2 live crew, so get the hell out of my booth."--stuff like that, you know.



i did a miniscule favor for my chilhood friend seth warden by playing the song burn by his band, wetwerks. It was played to a crowd of only about 20 people, but that’s 20 more people that have heard the band. unfortunately, i didn’t announce it as anything special, so they probably assumed it was a unknown song of a well known alt/hard rock band. i’ll play wetwerks more in the future, for sure.

i guess i did alright, cuz i still had the job for the regular schedule--friday and saturday nights. for the rest of the week, if i wasn’t at the regular job selling cars, i was home burning songs off of my computer (about 20 cds and counting) or at the bar spinning them. the owner really likes what i’ve done although he wants some more dance & techno--the first creative difference we've had. he wants that stuff to attract the ladies--an admirable thought, but you can’t expect to turn a slightly seedy sports bar into a pumpin’ nightclub by playing dance music. but yes, i mixed in some dance, at his request.

the free beer thing is great, but to make it fun, i’d have to drink like 2-3 beers an hour (10-15 a night--eek) and if i did that, i’d get sloppy on the mixer, fat in he ass, and be hungover at work. and my safe rate of about one beer an hour just gives me carbs and headaches, so i switched to mountain dew on the second night. my back is bent from stooping over the mixer board, my clothes stink (even with the smoking ban) and i’ve been running on hardly any sleep, but another $150 a week sure comes in handy (and maybe more if the music draws more people.) i’ve decided to earmark 25 bucks a week for more iTunes. i cant say enough about iTunes--it’s just sooo easy to find what you want. for instance, i clicked on the “top 100 downloads”, shopped my way thru, and had bought about 40 songs before i was done. that will help flesh out my new, hip stuff to augment my classic rock and country collection. and as for burning the songs, itunes makes it sooo freakin' easy. i can make a 20-song disc in less than five minutes, whereas it used to take me about half an hour with my old burning software and i was guaranteed to get a headache.

so that’s my life right now. that’s why i haven’t been blarfing. i’ll be freer now that i’ve got the dj thing up and running. more blarf in a bit. leave comments, suckas.