note from the editor me: i've been waiting for a good time to finally post something that i wrote back in november--in response to my cousin (a.k.a. "haller" in the comments) and his love for our goofball president.

having finally found the time to fit it in, i re-read it and decided that, even in an attempt to be bipartisan, i would no doubt be pissing off everyone instead of pleasing all. so, in the interest of not having the balls guts* to post what i originally wrote, i present to you a ruthlessly edited version of the post. may you wonder in flaming agony what i actually wrote--instead of all those little x's--too bad for you.

so, with the inauguration for our president's 2nd term fast approaching, please enjoy the following polical commentary in all its censored glory:



to my right-wing cousin D.H.**, lemmie just say this:

i am a member of the republican party.

there. i said it. i admit it. i've been a republican for over eight years. but never before have i been ashamed to admit that. i simply cannot stand bush, and with him as king of the republican party, i've begun to wonder just what it is the republicans stand for. since he's been in the white house screwing things up, i've been meandering over to the left side. sure, i started out on the right:

i voted for dole in '96.

if i don't know who the candidates are, i tend to vote republican.

i liked mccain in 2000 and woulda voted for him if he'd won the nomination.

but look at me now--voting for gore. for kerry. just who the hell do i think i am?



i'm not sure anymore. let's figure it out, using my own high-tech point system:

i grew up in the sticks. (that's 3 point for the republicans.)

i am pro-choice, as long as it's a justifiable reason. (7 points for dems.)

i like to think i'm a good ol' boy. (4 points GOP.)

i am fine with gays having some sort of civil union. two happy gay people can be, and often are, better parents and can provide a better home/family life than the average redneck/white trash/poor inner city family. (6 points for dems.)

welfare should DIE. we need to remove the teat from the mouths of america's weak. (9 points GOP.)

school prayer? ummm.. NO. (4 points dems.)

10 commandments? sure. (6 points GOP.)

wealthy people shouldn't bitch about paying more taxes (even though, in theory, it discourages economic growth.) (7 points dems.)

i like pickup trucks, beer, and boobs. confederate flags optional. (8 points GOP.)

i also like world politics, intelletualism, and... boobs. american flags essential. (7 points dems.)

the war in iraq was a mistake. plain and simple. that's a toss-up: (1 point dems.)

the only thing worse than a tree-hugging, dreadlocked, vegan, green party hippie is a PREGNANT tree-hugging, dreadlocked, vegan, green party hippie because that means there's another one on the way. (13 points GOP.)

i live for opportunities to wear my cowboy hat and boots. i like four wheelers, open land, and beef cattle. (15 points GOP.)

it DOES matter what the rest of the world thinks of us. even those damn french. (12 points dems.)

immigration: if you're an immigrant and plan on contributing to our society, come on over. if you're here for the freebies, **** **** ***. (0 either way.)

metric vs. english system? a little of both. (no points. this has nothing to do with anything.)

gun control means using both hands. but do you really need that AK-47 with cop killer bullets to hunt deer? (0 points either way.)

the UN has no balls guts. (7 points GOP.)

the UN makes a good point. (8 points dems.)

urban life has its benefits. so many people, so many cultures, so many options. (15 points dems.)

i **** affirmative action (why wouldn't i? i'm a ***** ****.) **** your ***** on your *** *****. (6 points GOP.)

less bible in the white house, please. (5 points dems.)

i own three vehicles: one red, one white, one blue. (no points either way--just patriotic.)

education: your kid can't hack it in school? let 'em quit. let's not waste everyone's time and resources. there's always room for them at mcdonalds, with or without that high school diploma. (toss up? 1 point GOP.)

socialized health care doesn't sound too bad. (13 points dems.)

may the strong survive and the weak perish. (10 points GOP.)

it's ok to drill for oil in national parks, just don't make a goddamn mess. (3 points GOP.)

it's not ok to rape mother nature. some environmental regulation is a good thing. (4 points dems.)

i *** the death penalty. ***** ******* and you're ***? how about * ****** and you're ****? (4 points GOP.)

i don't want to conform. i question authority. i want to create change. (9 points dems.)

i do what i'm told. i have faith in my leadership. i pledge my allegiance. (9 points GOP.)

--that should do it.

-----

let's see.. final tally:

republicans: 97 points. democrats: 97 points.

*sigh* the inner struggle continues. but at least i know how i feel about the next four years:



wanna know where you stand and have fun finding out? click here.

* he's not really a right-wing nut, but he did vote for bush. (DH: just razzing you. go gators! we can agree on that.)
** the potentially offensive word "balls" was removed from this post for the readers' protection.