after dealing with the world's immense stupidity today, i must have a beer to help unwind.

i'm not one to drown my problems in alcohol. but after today, well...

...just lemmie explain.

episode #1:

when pulling in the entrance to work, i must make a left turn off of a street with no left turn lane. therefore i must stop traffic in my lane to make the turn. what i like to do is scoot over a bit into the center yellow-lined area to make room for people to drive around me. apparently, this wasn't good enough for the SuperDick behind me, since he blasted his horn as he went around.

ben's response from inside my car: "excuse me, asshole. next time, i'll block the whole lane of traffic, like i'm supposed to, so you can wait behind me. i'm saving you time by moving over. if that's not okay, i'll gladly block your path, and the 20 cars behind you, as i wait for a break in traffic so i can turn. and until that occurs, you can continually KISS MY ASS."

episode #2:

some idiot called us up on the phone and asked for a price on brake rotors. upon hearing the price of the rotors, she said something to the effect of "damn, for that price i can just buy them at the parts store" and hung up on me.

ben's response as i slammed down the phone: "great. fine. so when you buy your own rotors, get a repair manual, take your car apart, and wedge your fat ass under your car in your muddy driveway in the rain and realize you are too stupid to do it on your own, THEN you can come back here and have us fix your brakes. and there will be a 10% Rude Bitch Bonus Surcharge."

episode #3:

a customer came in requesting that his water pump be replaced under warranty, since he just had it replaced here a couple months ago and now it was leaking coolant. so we get the car up in the air on the lift. the car was most certainly leaking coolant--and everything else too. in addition to a bad water pump, the car has (and i swear i'm not making this up): broken lug studs, a wheel falling off, no serpentine belt, blown struts, bad strut mounts, broken springs, bad shocks, blown brake lines, broken wipers, driver's seat not attached to the floor anymore, bad idler pulley, about 50 holes in what is left of the exhaust system, leaking radiator, blown head gasket, bad tie rods, broken sway bar links, new brake pads on junk rotors, bad ball joints, leaking fuel and every other fluid possible (except washer fluid--that's empty), about 16 blown light bulbs, every warning light on the dash is on, and 500 pounds of trash and random shit inside the car--enough to make Joan Harris blush. oh, and it idles at about 4,000 RPM. to make a long story short, this car was one stoplight away from the crusher.

upon receiving the ghastly news, the owner replied: "naw, man, that brake line's been blown only for a couple weeks. we're getting rid of the car anyway. i don't wanna spend a lot of money." (ben thinking: OH, REALLY??) "how long will it take to do the water pump?"

Ben's Professional Response: "i can't warranty the water pump unless you want to pay for the new serpentine belt and idler pulley. those are necessary parts and are not covered. in my opinion, this car is not worth fixing. you have too many other issues here--any money spent on this would be better spent on a newer vehicle."

Ben was thinking: a couple WEEKS?? a couple SECONDS is all it takes for a blown brake line to get you killed. and if i had a nickel for every time i heard "it's ok, we're getting rid of the car anyway" as an excuse not to fix something, i wouldn't be working here. we all know that when someone says that, they will still be driving that damn car 5 years down the road. from here on out, that excuse is OFFICIALLY RETIRED and BANNED FROM USE. just as this car should be.

after being informed that he'd actually have to PAY FOR SOMETHING, the customer declined the warranty work. so i gingerly backed the car out of the shop and promptly backed it into the wall of building next door because of the lack of brakes. apparently i was not fast enough when i slammed it into 1st gear from reverse to stop the impact, but after bouncing off the wall, i managed to get it stopped by jamming it into park.

it was then that i informed the customer that in my professional opinion, this car should not be driven down the road. at ALL. if i can't stop when going 1 mph out of the building, it should NOT be going down the road. my recommendation was a tow truck.

he said "ok" and...

...got in the car and drove away. we watched for as long as we could to see the impending accident. in the short time we watched, he managed not to wreck it or get anyone killed.


tisk tisk...typical customers

episode #4:

another phone call--a telemarketer has a new ploy. when answering the phone, i always say my name. so this guy grabs my name and says, "HEY, BENNY, buddy, how ya DOIN' TODAY? GREAT! WONDERFUL! buddy, ben old buddy, i need to talk to your store owner, pal!" (at this point the rouse is up. anyone who would know me at work would also know that the store owner owns 100 stores, and he sure as HELL isn't at this one.) he continues: "So Ben, your store is a franchise..." (holy shit, what a news flash) "... and i really need to talk to the owner!"

my response: "my store owner isn't here. he has 100 stores. he's in ohio. bye."

my after-the-call rant: "hey--BUDDY--if he was here, i wouldn't waste his time with your bullshit. as far as you and i are concerned, it's a brick wall versus a squirt of piss. and thanks for reminding me that we're a franchise. assuming i'm dumb enough not to know that is insulting enough to stop any sales pitch. if you want to try my boss, call 1 - 8 0 0 - E A T - M I D A S."

episode #5:

at closing time, this dude and his girlfriend call us up from a nearby gas station--they have a flat tire. me, being Mr. Supernice, said, "sure, bring it down. i'll see what i can do." going into this, i know i'm going to only make 15 bucks for a tire repair, and i could have told them we were closed, but i didn't. so they got there and... whipped out a coupon for a free tire repair! AHHH--stab me in the heart. oh well. i can hide my disappointment. so we brought in the car and discovered the tire couldn't be patched, but "...would you like us to put on the spare instead (a comparable service, pricewise)? yes? ok, no problem." so we put the spare on.

so the guy then says, "hey, thanks, man, you guys are great...so, uhh, can i get that coupon back?"

ben's response: no, sorry, i have to turn something in for the free service."

what i wanted to say: "look, dick. i just spent 20 minutes doing free work for you that you couldn't do for yourself in a lifetime. it's closing time on thanksgiving eve. you're lucky i bothered helping your ass at all, cuz no one else was going to, for damn sure. these damn coupons kill us as it is. it's going in the trash as soon as you leave because the more of these that are out of circulation, the better. it's people like you that never buy anything that isn't absolutely free on that goddamn coupon sheet. you, and the company, are killing us. last i checked, the sign on the building says "M I D A S Auto Service Experts "--not "M I D A S We Fix Cars And Save Your Ass For Free 24/7". piss off. and have a great holiday."

so by then then i'm stewing. but wait, there's more:

episode 6:

it's 7:30. we close at 7. the phone rings. i answer it:

"hi, how late are you open?"
"actually, we're already closed. what do you need?"
"i need to get my car inspected. it has to be done tonight or friday morning."
"well, i can't do it tonight, but i can do it friday. what time can you bring it in?"
"friday's not soon enough. i need to get it done tonight. i'll find someplace else to do it."

my response that went into thin air as i locked the door and went to my car: "well, there's nothing like waiting to the last damn minute, is there? a getting your car inspected isn't like going to mcdonalds for for f*cking Chicken Selects. this shit takes time, regardless of how much you think your car will pass inspection. you, sipping lattes from the driver's seat, do not have the insight nor the knowledge to inspect cars. the damn car could be ON FIRE and you wouldn't notice, but if we change driver's seat position on you, your day is ruined. if it was as quick, easy, and foolproof as you think it is, you could buy inspection stickers at the damn grocery store. let the inspecters decide if your car passes--that's what we do. don't tell me "oh, it will pass" because when you say that, murphy's law says it WILL fail, and i'll be inspecting it like a mofo JUST to find something that fails to prove your high-and-mighty ass wrong. and NO, i won't pass it for you just because you know someone that worked here ten years ago, or because you looked at the car yourself, or because your alcoholic brother-in-law (a self-proclaimed mechanic) says those blown brake lines are fine and it will pass, or because you just think it will pass and therefore it will.

furthermore, good freaking luck finding an inspection station that's open at 7:30 pm on thanksgiving freaking eve and is willing to do an hour-long inspection for you--and that's an hour IF it passes. if it fails, the length of time it takes to fix is inversely proportional to the time available to spend on it.

AND.... i guess friday ISN'T really early enough, now is it? seems to me that you're posing an impossible feat simply to get out of doing an inspection--but i popped your bubble and told you i could do it. so now you don't have anything to procrastinate about. and if this is not the case, and you actually DO want to get it done either tonight or friday morning, and you call every shop in the phone book and no one answers, and then you call me back, i'll already be gone and you'll aready be f*cked because i'll already be home drinking a beer and blogging about your dumb ass--and it will be too late for you to make that friday morning appointment. SUCK IT EASY."

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ahhhh... this beer is tasty. i'm living the high life now.