i have realized how ridiculous lawn mowing is.

being an apartment-dweller since 2002, i hadn't mowed a lawn in years when i jumped on the mower at my parent's house. i don't think i've missed doing it. sure, it can be relaxing--listless circling, the constant hum of the engine, and the outdoorsy feel. but jeez, don't we all have something better to do?

who the hell invented the lawn thing? apparently the english, according to this site. but i always thought it was the french, and i'd prefer to blame them for it instead. frigging french.



anyway, in my adult life, with many things to occupy my time instead of putzing around an acre or two of property on a mower, i find this quite insane. it makes me want to have a kid for the sole purpose of having that kid mow the lawn for me so i can do other crucial things like blarfing or, painting my cell phone (to be explained in a coming-soon post.) this makes sheep ownership all the more attractive. (yes, i just used "sheep" and "attractive" in the same sentence, and don't take that the wrong way, you sickos.)

this particular mower made matters worse...no, not worse, just different--my brother's 1976 Case 222 Hydriv. it has funky old-school charm--like the hydraulic deck, hydraulic speed control, and the belt-drive starter. but there's the random stalling problem, the shoelace-snagging exposed pulleys on the cutting deck, and the high/low range which is either yawningly slow or hill-hoppingly fast.



and let's not forget that the deck slowly sinks from your preset level of, say, 4"-high cut, to the beyond-putting-green-level of 1/4" high cut, so you constantly have to raise the deck all the way up to the point where the hydraulic pump screams in pain, like when you turn the wheel of your car to far and hold it there.

oh, and the steering gear is so worn out that you can't turn to the right unless you're on perfectly level ground going at high speed. so if you're trying to get around a tree trunk or swingset or any other yard fodder, you've got a 50/50 chance of running into that, or careening into the ditch or the broadside of a parked car. of course, this is after you got closelined by a tree branch because you were too busy trying not to crash.

oh, and then there's also the times when the steering locks up in mid-swing so you bust your thumbs off on the steering wheel spokes and THEN crash into a tree.

and this thing must weigh a metric ton because it leaves quite a path in it's wake. the grass in the tiretracks still hasn't sprung back up a week later.

and to top it off, the whole yard still looks like shit. if you don't get to it quickly enough, you'll end up with clumps of grass clippings everywhere and if it grows too tall and you cut it too short (especially if your mower has the Sinking Deck option) it results in exposing the white underbelly of your grass which leaves those stiff sharp stalks that feel like Vietcong bamboo-spike booby traps underfoot.



--lawn mowing is retarded. we need sheep.