metaphor of my career


The Weasel 17 8: you know what i told my mom tonight when i said you had your committee thingie?

scrambler: what

The Weasel 17 8: that you were too smart for the job.

scrambler: thank you.

i didn't storm out of the meeting, yank off my nametag, tear off my uniform shirt, piss in the coffee pot, moon everyone, and tell the whole place they could kiss my ass.

i left and bought more pet fish instead.

so now i'm demoted. for the most nit-fycking-picky-ass bullshit i've ever heard. now i'm an assistant, level 4. it's real funny how no one had anything bad to say about me until they found out i was looking for other jobs. reeel fishy. now i'm under the magnifying glass by the supers and GMs. quote: "he's looking for another job? we need to do an evaluation." they've been wanting to cut a senior manager for some time; now they've finally done it. they knew what they were going to do to me before i even went in there. yeah, i saw it--the new senior manager pay program email, referring solely to the other manager, which i was told not to read when i stumbled upon it on the computer.

yeah, i'm a few minutes late sometimes. usually with no real excuse. but let's also consider that i'm just as bad as my supervisor and the other senior manager. oh, and i didn't mention to them that my super was a half hour late returning to work yesterday cuz he fell asleep in front of the tv, while i'm at work doing interviews and running the shop at the same time, wondering where the fuck he is. and i'll get written up if i don't punch out for a lunch break (that i didn't get to take) and i'll be diciplined if i change my time card to say i did take one when i actually didn't. over the course of a year, lost breaks total about 2 weeks worth of unpaid labor for each manager. but to the company, that's okay--must be because they feel 2 personal days and one holiday off (unpaid) per year is enough to make up for it. and it's not okay for me to go to the bank next door for 10 minutes on fridays while on the clock, but it's okay for the other managers to take a whole pack's worth of 10 minute smoke breaks throughout each and every day. but "we're not here to cast stones."

yeah, some of the employees think i'm a prick. if there's one manager in the shop who enforces the rules, uses the write-up system, and holds your lazy ass accountable for the shit you do, while the other managers (including the super) don't give a damn, well, hmmm....no wonder they don't like me. and let's ignore the fact that for every emp that doesn't like me, there's 2 more that don't like the other 2 managers. "but we're not here to cast stones."

yeah, i use more labor than the other managers. i keep more people on the clock so i don't get cornholed when we get busy, which keeps the customers happy and in & out in less time. i don't send everyone home early and tell customers they will only be waiting 10 minutes when it's really 20+, and have cars lined up around the building, just so the dollar per man hour is higher--like the other manager does. "but we're not here to cast stones."

yeah, my productivity is lower than the rest, because i have higher quality standards than the rest of the management in this place. i won't settle for the shitty McDonald's quality (sorry, mickey D's) that we put out for customer after customer. 2/3rds of the work we put out is pure crap, and then we have to deal with customer service. i put out a better product than the other guys. "but we're not here to cast stones."

and to the GMs, thanks for breaching the confidentiality agreement of the open door/corporate ladder thing by telling my super that i complained about him to his superiors. that's good for day to day relations in the shop after you're gone. and thanks for doing it in the middle of my meeting so he then has no reason to stand up for me while you verbally pound the piss out of my job performance. thank you. and thank you for telling me "we're not here to cast stones" when i try to defend myself while you cast your own stones directly at my crotch. and thank you for accepting as gospel the crappy, half-assed evaluations of me because you never visit our shop enough to evaluate me with your own eyes and ears.

so after all that, i was meandering around the shop in a "i just got a total bullshit demotion" haze, and my super (who helped do that dirty deed) says, "before you go on break, stick around while i do (something important) in case i need your help." excuse me? what? lemmie get this straight. you just helped them ruin my job, and now you want me to stick around longer because you don't know what you're doing and you need my help? while i'm at it, do you want me to hold your sausage while you take a wizz, too? you've GOT to be kidding me. i can't put it into words.

perhaps i'm not social enough. perhaps i don't kiss enough ass. or i don't go out drinking every night with the other managers. didn't tell the right jokes to the right people. i admit when i'm wrong. maybe i shouldn't do that. i should be more like the other guy, who denies everything, kisses ass, bullshits you, gets drunk and screws your girlfriend, hits on your mom, and in general, acts like a car salesman. that way, nothing sticks. he's teflon. i'm velcro.

nah. screw that. i'm better than that. i don't fit the mold. and i don't really care to.

----------

like the high murder rates, deep snow, and a NCAA championship team, the place i work surprised syracuse. everyone talks about it. everyone comes here. we've been on TV. radio. newspaper. we're huge. and i helped build that. one member of a small group that managed to permeate the fabric of this city with the product we put out. my effort and results are quite measurable. we didnt get best shop of the region (excuse me, 2nd best) by having just 2 out of 3 good managers. our shop doesn't just run itself when your other managers aren't there. whether the GMs want to believe it or not, i earned 33.3% of that. i've managed 60+ employees in mass chaos when i never held a management position before. i've built and cobbed up many crazy, ingenuitive, useful ideas and inventions to help this company grow, including one that was so good, one of the GMs actually took it home to show his family. and most importantly, i haven't compromised my own standards to match someone elses. they will miss me when i'm gone, whether they realize it yet or not. and i am proud of that.

when i walked out of that meeting, i was bummed. but now i just feel like i'm ready to get the hell out of there and do something else. i'm hireable. i'm likeable. i'm useful. i'm clever. i'm educated. i'm just nifty. i'm a manager-in-a-can. open me up and let me run your place.

i'm too smart for this job. thank you, mark.