i have a confession to make.
...a very gay-ish confession...
...ummm...uhh... i lightened my hair.
now i know what you're thinking--how could a farm boy, a gearhead, a guy who drinks budweiser, farts, burps, and blarfs--how could i do something so incredibly gay* as to bleach my hair?? well, i don't know.
it was sort of a long-standing subconscious desire combined with spur-of-the-moment thinking while searching the grocery isles for some much needed toilet paper. ever since i plastered my hair with powdered gold poster paint for my vanilla ice impersonation in the 12th grade, i've had a secret desire to color my hair. (hey, it helped our senior class win the air band contest--it must be a good idea!) and i'll be damned if the ladies didn't like it way back then, so how could i go wrong now?
while passing thru the hair coloring section i spotted a box of hair dye with a bleach-blonde guy on the front--clairol extreme FX industrial blonde (sounded manly enough!)
i stopped.
i read the box.
i put it back.
i went and found the toilet paper (single ply/1000 sheets--my favorite!)
i came back.
hesitated.
and i quickly grabbed the box and scampered to the checkout line in utter shame.
-------
my goal was not actually blonde hair. i wanted to simply lighten my ultra-dark brown hair and soul patch to...not so ultra-dark brown. my facial hair is actually blonde & brown anyway, so it should be a smooth transition. so if i used this extreme blonde stuff for just a short while instead of the full 30 minutes, it should do the trick, right? sure!
so i eagerly opened the box when i got home and started reading the instructions. seemed simple enough--mix the chemicals, put it in your hair for 30 minutes, check color after 10 minutes, and rinse when you're done. easy. unfortunately, the instructions said "not for use on facial hair"--one of the main reasons i bought the stuff. to hell with it, i was gonna use it anyway.
those damn chemicals were like chemistry class. mix this. shake that. don't smell it. don't touch shit. i soon discovered why it says not to rub the scalp--it freakin' hurts!! and by the time i had it completely mixed in, i noticed it was working--and working fast. pretty soon i was getting this "holy-SHIT-this-stuff-works-fast" panic when i realized i was going to look like Sisqo in about 2 more seconds if i didn't rinse this stuff out ASAP.
so rinse i did--
--and it didn't look too shabby!
it's just a little lighter brown with a slight shimmer. and the soul patch looks less like a glob of shit and more like a little patch o' blondish scruff. NICE! i might like this.
now for the hard part--making it thru a day at work tomorrow without excessive ragging. that shouldn't be hard since there's a lightning rod for practical jokes in the form of another salesman, so i should be able to deflect most of the ribbing on him somehow.
-------
in other news, i spoke with the wife of one of the new york state trooper candidates yesterday. the academy has been going for about a week now and he hates it--she mentioned the endless PT, no phone privileges, missed meals, sleep deprivation, and other sorts of mental and physical anguish. if one guy screws up, they all get screwed. it sounded a LOT like hell week from my pledge period at alpha zeta--it was a super-bitch. i realize that sounds like a weak comparison, and it probably is, but i would love to have had the opportunity to find out first hand. i wish i coulda had a turn at getting my ass beat in the academy. if i had to quit or got booted, at least i woulda had the chance. but hearing about the hell the candidates are going thru and will continue to go thru for six months (it doesn't let up) gave me a little bit of closure on the whole thing. i still want to try again to get in, but now at least i can focus on other things until that time without being hung up on it--which is really important right now cuz i gotta stop comparing every other job opportunity in the world to the state trooper job.
-------
volleyball weekly:
we had playoffs last night. we were seeded 5th of 12 teams with our record of 4-2. after winning the first playoff game, we advanced to the sorta-semi-finals to play a team that originally beat us way back when the league started. after winning 10 games in a row previously, this was the first time we had ever gone to game 3--and we lost. they won the first game, we won the second, and the third game went ended 15-13. DAMN! so close. but overall, i'm quite proud of our ramshackle, newbie team, and especially myself because i've never been much of a sports all-star. the league starts over next week--and we'll be ready.
-------
*i'm not saying that being gay is bad--not at all. it's just not me. it's not like i'm like this asshole pastor in mexico, NY. (<--click!) a message to the Lighthouse Mexico Church of God (and to anyone else out there who judges a person for being gay): being gay is not a choice, you stupid homophobic bastards. get a clue.
