days spent: 6
miles jeeped: 1500+
sit ups sat: 40
push ups pushed: 33
hernia inspections: 1

hearing tests failed: 1

percent chance that i'm NOT going to get into the NYS police academy: 99.999%.

after failing the trooper's hearing exam, i was told that i would have to be tested again by an independent audiologist. three hearing tests later, it was assumed that a hearing aid could fix the high frequency hearing loss in my right ear, which would be allowed under trooper rules. i went as far as to have an impression of my ear canal taken and picked out a style of hearing aid. but, after reading the rules a little closer and talking to some trooper folks, we learned that my right ear hearing was already so low on the high frequencies that i was disqualified, regardless of what a hearing aid could do.

disqualified.

what an amazing amount of power and pain in one little word.

when i heard it from my audiologist, i just shut my eyes. after i got off the phone, i walked around in a stunned silence. not in a state of surprise, but rather in a state of "i knew this was going to happen, yet i can't believe it, and it totally blows."

i moped around.

i sat and stared at the kitchen table.

i stared out the window and watched a trooper drive by on route 81 on this bright sunny day.

and then i cried.

this sucks.

i have not yet talked to the trooper audiologist myself. there is a single photon of light at the end of this tunnel, and this audiologist has it in his hand. they've done gimmies for other candidates--they really want more trooper candidates--

"only 39 pushups? don't worry about it."
"a few pounds over the weight limit? keep on that and be sure you lose it."
"not exactly a stellar background check? just keep the hell out of trouble from now on."
"got a little hearing problem there, sonny? don't worry about it--you're other ear is way better than average. just get that hearing aid and you'll be fine."

i haven't heard that last one yet and i don't expect to. this holiday weekend sure is going to be a long one waiting til he's back in the office on tuesday.

every time i see a trooper now, it burns, and after driving 1500 miles in a week, i've seen a lot of them. while at work at the dealership, i have to look at the trooper cars in the repair shop. before, i used to stare at those crown vics and hope for the future. now i can't look at all. it plain sucks too much. i honestly saw myself as a perfect candidate for the academy--strictly diciplined, college smart, street smart, stern yet friendly, no bullshit but still fun, in shape, ready to go. i love the excitement of what they do. hell, i get uptight when i see someone flick a cigarette butt out the window. i'm all about this stuff.

but now i'm lost. i just spent the last year and a half preparing for the academy. i've held my breath in dreadful anticipation for the last six months, from the last physical in albany til this one. why couldn't they have done the hearing test in october?

i've been straining my current job from all this time off lately for trooper stuff. and at my last job, i got demoted for pursuing the academy, to which i said "suck it easy" and quit. so now i'm in a dead end job, making less than minimum wage as of late, and my only hope for getting out of this financial hell is now gone. if only i got in, i'd have all my bills paid. if only i got in, i'd never have to write another resume again. or worry about health insurance. or retirement. or anything at all.

after a couple of aimless days, i've started to think about other options. i have to admit, i've always had more drive and excitement for owning my own business. my plan was to do that on the side (on my days off from the trooper job) and build it up to the point that i could do it full time after 20 years (the earliest i could retire from police work.) now, it will hopefully happen a lot sooner. just one problem--NO GODDAMN MONEY TO DO IT WITH.

i've got lots of ideas, but i keep coming back to one thing--auto detailing. i know how to do that. and i want to learn interior repairs, vinyl and leather repairs, stuff like that. i have the option of doing that with a guy that comes in to the dealership. and i'd also like to learn paintless dent removal and paint touch up. (all of this may sound like mundane bullshit to the typical person, but there is money in this kind of stuff.) but again, the problem is start-up money. and there's nothing else to fall back on in case of failure, no affordable health insurance, etc.

and then there's that dream of going down south and getting on a NASCAR team. that one's pretty far fetched, especially since i don't care to be sweeping up lug nuts on the shop floor for 16 hours a day. that's about all i'd be qualified for. this damn college education gets less and less powerful every year. my automotive tech degree is totally out of date. my cornell degree... shit, i don't even know what "general studies" means. and "good freakin' luck" to myself concerning any other police job--my carthage police interview a couple days ago was pretty fruitless:

"do you have a criminal justice degree?"
"no."
"do you have any law enforcement experience?"
"uh, no."
"fire police?"
"nope."
"anything at all?"
"well, i was a volunteer fire department member and an EMT."
"oh, good. well, then..."

i didn't mention that i was a member for like, only a couple of months, and had NO time to participate. nor did i mention that my EMT training expired a year ago. other than those disasterous questions, i did well at turning chicken shit into chicken salad and the interviewer seemed to like me. chances of getting in are pretty slim though.

.....

i must say that some good has come of all this. i am in the best shape of my life--i have rock hard abs and arms like nobody's business, and i can run like a mofo. i have conditioned myself to watch my weight and eat right. i love being in shape. to meet the vision requirements, i had lasik surgery done a year ago and it was the best money i've ever spent--i LOVE it. and maybe i'll get that hearing aid just for every day life--who knows what i've been missing?? i shaved the goat, too--that could be a good thing--the jury's still out on that one. i've had an extensive background check that turned up nothing bad at all, and i also was pleasantly surprised to learn that my credit report is not only spotless but premium-tiered. overall, it's been a good experience. too bad, however, that it couldn't have ended in a good experience.

well, blogger is batting 1000 again--it cut off the end of my post. this was after it screwed up and lost half of it the first time. don't get me wrong, i love blogging for free, but GOD DAMN, what a pain in the ass. now i've got to remember what else i wrote yesterday. ok, let's see...back to the story:

perhaps being home this weekend will shed some light on what i'm supposed to do with my life. sunday dinner with the fam and the methodist church chicken BBQ on memorial day will give lots of time to hang with the family and maybe get some ideas and answers.

already, i've seen a trooper pull over three cars on the highway behind our house--hows that for painful irony? arrrggh!!

thanks to all of you who have called and written. leave some comments!