i need a life. i need friends. i need a haircut. i missed the AZ annual meeting/homecoming/haunted house this past weekend. bummer. just read about it on jonny's page. well, i had a good excuse for not being there. careers come first, homecoming second.



i saw orion tonight for the first time this season. i used to think it
was the coolest thing to stare at the constellations in the nighttime sky, but orion in particular has taken on a new meaning for me. each time i see it now, it reminds me of living back home in the winter/spring of 2002. back when i had just left the outside world, presumably, for the last time. back when i was planning on the purchase of a diamond ring. back on the farm, where the night sky is like no other; black as black can be, but dotted with the brightest stars you have ever seen. it was a time that was very difficult. there were internal struggles over where i should live, what i should be doing with my life, and most importantly, who i should be spending it with (i wrote quite a bit about that, maybe i'll post it in the future.) i'd just moved back home from ithaca, to be with her, and this was supposed to be the last time i ever moved off the farm. i was happy there. family all around. the farm to play on. country life. my girl. what more could i need?

well, aparently a lot more, since i felt so damn isolated up there, especially after we both started having doubts about us being together. i ultimately was driven to moving away from all that i loved so i could get away from what i desperately wanted so much. i want to be married. i want my grandmother to see me married. i want to have a log house in the woods. i want a dog. i want kids. i want a great job. i want love. i had to leave MY life behind so i could somehow find happiness. i'd come so close to what i was looking for, only to find that it was totally FUBAR and i had to leave it all behind. by taking this job in syracuse, it meant the end of my relationship as i knew it, which was so hard but felt like the best thing to do. now i live here in the city, completely out of my element, living for the future that i don't see happening. i have to take this detour here in order to get right back where i started, but i have no idea when i will get there. this past year and a half here has been such a spin cycle for me. i have no sense of time here. literally. before i left home in april of 2002, i would look towards the sky each clear night, scanning for shooting stars, satellites, and of course, orion. on a visit home late that summer, i instinctively looked up, expecting to see the constellation, only to find nothing, as orion had set on the southern horizon many months ago. my brain was still on april time.

all i do in syracuse is work, do household chores, get online, and visit home once a week. i have no social life here. i don't care for city life, even though the convenience is great. i can't play loud music here. i can't change my oil in the driveway here. i can't play the drums here. i can't ride a four wheeler here. i can't play in the garage with my brothers here. i can't help dad with farm chores here. i can't visit grandma here. i can't watch tv late into the night with mom here. i can't give my nieces and nephews jeep rides here.

i want to see the constellations, back home where i belong, with someone i love.

maybe i'll be there sooner than expected--by myself, at least. the GM's have caught wind of my plan B career (troopers) and would like to discuss it tomorrow. great. i have no idea what to expect, but i honestly don't give a shit. all i know is i can safely assume that i have been eliminated from any chance in hell of getting any recognition at the company awards banquet this sunday. someone has no doubt taken a big-ass sharpie and crossed out my name on the nominee list for "senior manager of the year" or "presidential award" or whatever. not that i hold much stock in those awards anyway. whatever, man. just give me a reason to move home and give jeep rides 24/7.

note to mark: she hasn't called. i'm not disappointed...yet. maybe she's taken. maybe she's playin' me. maybe i butchered it. maybe. maybe she'll call tomorrow night. maybe.

apparently my computer likes brittney better than the beach.

i had this one as my background for a while but i changed it (cuz it actually reminds me of the ex) (and i'm just not the kind of guy who would have naughty pics on my computer) (yeah right) but the computer won't let it go. she still pops up on start-up and shut-down. and then today, the G-rated beach scene background has disappeared completely and...there's brittney. again. all day. hmmm. in mid-panty removal. guess i can't argue with the hard drive. it knows whats best for me.

well, i passed the physical test for the troopers this weekend. and i took the 1,000 question psychological exam. typical question: "Answer true or false to the following: Sometimes i feel like there are voices telling me what to do." (real question, folks.) if you answer true to that question, you are a complete idiot, not to mention a complete skitzo. anyway, now i just have to wait for impending interviews. the trooper thing has raced around the campfire at work thanks to a blabber who will remain nameless. wonderful. now i gotta get this job just so i can escape the damn rumor mill. but even if i do, it won't be for 6 months!

just got back from morrisville, where i was a guest speaker for the automotive industry awareness class. each week, mr. powers has someone come in and talk about their job and role in the industry. i did it last year, and i did well, but this time i did even better, mainly cuz i prepared more than 5 minutes in advance, i showed up on time, and i had some snazzy new overheads. yes, overheads. (powerpoint is so cliched. i went retro.) i got to talk about all of my career accomplishments, my jeep, and and all things i cool. and the people listening (about 150-200 freshman auto tech students) actually cared about what i had to say. what an unusual thing for people to care about my thoughts and opinions! this is one of those times when i look back at myself and realize i really kick ass. i've done a lot. i've done enuff to be asked to come back to my college and talk about it. and i did well. i am the man. i'll leave it at that. 'night, all. 'night, brittney.

BANK ROBBER!

here's a question for you: you are at your bank's drive-up atm. you hate your bank. they've porked you on so many fees and crap that you really wouldn't be with this bank if it wasn't so conveniently located right next door to your job. you withdraw 140 bucks from the atm and drive away. since the bills are brand new (the latest colorized 20's) you crumple each individual one so they don't get stuck together in your wallet. as you are doing this, you discover that there are eight 20's, not seven! NO, WAIT, THERE'S NINE 20's HERE!! and the receipt only sez you withdrew $140! well well well. these crisp, new 20's even fooled the atm. you just got 40 bucks for free! what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

a. go in and report the error and give back the $40.
2. drive away and anonymously call the bank and report the problem.
c. take it back, the atm is probably operated by an outside vendor, not the evil bank.
e. keep it and give it to charity.
f. keep it, you ARE a charity (radiators are expensive, dude!)

as you may have guessed, the correct answer is f. yes, i did mull over each answer. i really thought about doing #2, but they might be able to figure out who you are by the time you called, the # number of times the ATM was used, and the cameras. i also considered the grandiose view that this has a detrimental effect on the US economy, albeit small. BUT, i countered, it will have a much bigger, positive effect on MY economy when it helps pay for my much-needed crap! such as the $75 money order that pays for my fingerprint/background check with the state troopers. so the money is going to the state anyway.

state trooper polygraph test question #1:

"have you ever profited illegally from a bank error?" "ummm..."

the jeep, during the rebuild this summer. now it's apart again. somewhat.

today was an expensive day. a two-hundred and fiddy-eight dollar day, to be exact. it all started when i checked the coolant in the scrambler and discovered it was about half a gallon low. i've been keeping tabs on it for a couple weeks, since my fairly-new radiator has sprung two leaks already. i've been trying to nurse it along til i had time to fix it, but it's just too damn risky, since i just spent thousands getting it running (including the engine rebuild, above.) on the 10 minute ride to work, it spit out all the coolant i put in, leaving green streaks on the fenders and lots of steam billowing out of the grille. being away from the farm, no loaner vehicles for 90 miles, and with the red truck in the hospital, there was no time no time for recoring or soldering. a new one, although pricey, was the only viable option. this antichrist radiator had to go.
during lunch, i did a little hunting and found a replacement at NAPA for $228. ouch. when it's the only one in town, you gotta take it in the ass. thank gawd NAPA actually had it. mike, my fellow manager, was really cool and let me borrow his 20-year-younger jeep wrangler to pick up the parts. after driving it, i am lusting over a new vehicle, particularly a jeep. if they actually start producing the new scrambler that's rumored, it's ALL MINE. but not now, not this post. that's a whole nuther story.
so ANYWAY, i get back to work with the radiator, new cap, and 2 jugs of antifreeze, and...that was supposed to be it. switch it out later. like at 10 pm or something. in the dark. then mike (again, being very cool) offered to stay even longer (for a grand total of 10.47 hours or something close to that) so i could switch radiators now. sweet. i decided it would be a better idea to do it off the property, since big brother could watch the whole process in their cushy offices in buffalo, and they probably wouldn't appreciate it.
so i limped the jeep next door to kmart. nifty. close enuff to run back & forth, far enuff away to keep big brother happy (albeit still in full view of the cameras.) i started plugging away with the rag-tag collection of shitty tools that delta sonic had to offer. actually, if you're gonna change a radiator on your lunch break, do it on a jeep CJ, cuz they come apart and go together like toys, as if jeep engineered the whole vehicle this way cuz they knew you'd be doing plenty of repairs. it was going along quite nicely (it damn well should, seeing how the whole thing was stripped down only a couple months ago) and all was well. i had a jug cut open to catch the coolant, which initially was doing its job--and good thing, too--cuz not 10 minutes into the project this dude in a suit comes over and introduces himself as the freaking general manager or whatever of kmart. he was a bit concerned about what the hell i was doing in his parking lot. he was actually really cool about it. after seeing that i had a catch can for the antifreeze, he basically said, "don't make a mess and don't hurt yourself." i thanked him for his understanding and away he went. just in time, too, cuz my next move was to yank the lower radiator hose, which sent about 2 gallons of antifreeze gushing all over the parking lot. (it was a bit messier than i anticipated.) i caught about 2% of the coolant in my pathetic plastic jug. oopsie. thank gawd the chairman-and-CEO-of-kmart-corporation-or-whatever-he-was didn't come back cuz he most likely wouldn't have appreciated the results. at least they won't have to trim the weeds along the edge of the lot now cuz they'll all be deader than hell in about a day or two. i quickly flushed the asphalt with water and got back to work.
the rest of the installation went really well, and the new radiator and cap look dead sexy. all told, from the moment i started making phone calls to the moment i washed my hands afterwards, it took about 2 1/2 hours, with less than half of it being installation time. pretty slick. and to top it off, i even had a chance to run it thru the wash later to get all the antifreeze off of it--and it was everywhere, as you might imagine. i also powerwashed & dressed everything under the hood. i'm really happy overall, aside from spending all that damn money that i don't have. i hate not having money. i hate not having a reliable car. i hate working twice as hard as the shmucks who come in here to have their expensive cars detailed. grr. but damn, that radiator looks good, and that's something a scrambler man can appreciate. more next time--if you're still reading this. 'night.

i'd better not put my new sticker anywhere i dont want it removed. according to mark, his johnny cash sticker was a sticky bastard. (we got 'em both at some place in kingston, ON. can't remember the name, maybe he can.)

would someone please explain to me why i made brownies at 2 am on a saturday night? has my social life deteriorated that far? or did it never exist? who DOES that? (no, they weren't pot brownies, you burnt-out losers.) plain old freakin brownies. store brand box mix, no less. come to think of it, that was the same night megan called me at 2 am, just to talk. i guess she was just leaving (stumbling?) out of the bar at that point. (yes, the same bar with the ruthless, law-breaking smokers.) ah! it all comes clear now. the brownies are symbolic of my desire to do something wild and crazy but i don't have to deal with smelling like smoke afterwards!

...naw, on second thought...i'm just a brownie bakin' dork. they were good though. nice & half baked in the middle.


cowboy wisdom....

never miss a good chance to shut up.

there are more horses asses than horses.

when it comes to being a poseur cowboy, i rule.

seriously considering swiping this guy's washboard. he'll be better off without it. it'll save me some quarters, too.

BUSTED.

as i went down to the laundry room today, i discovered a sign on the door saying,
"PLEASE NOTE, THE LATEST TIME TO DO LAUNDRY IS 9:00PM!!! Any questions, please contact the office. Thank you!"
hmmm...a quick recon of the other laundry room doors in the other buildings turned up no other signs, leading me to believe this was the result of a complaint. After 358 days of living here, someone finally noticed that i've routinely been doing laundry after 9pm, even though i've always been on super-stealth mode and often been under the cover of a 1000 humming air conditioners. i can't help it, man! i get home from work at 10 every night. my uniforms are wasted. i don't have enuff shirts or pants to leave it for a day off (since getting more uniforms from my employer is more difficult than obtaining weapons of mass destruction.) and getting up in the morning to do laundry is SOOOO out of the question. what's a blue-collar guy to do? what a bugger.

Xxx xx xxxxxx xx'x xxx xxxx xxxxxxxx.

xxxx xxxx xxxx xx xxxxxxx xxxx xx xxxxxx xx'x xxxx xxxx xxx xxxx xxx. xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxxxx. xxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxxxx. xxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx xx xxxx xxxxxx. xxxx xxx, xxx xxxx xxxxxxxx xxx xx xxxx xxxxxxxx, xx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxxxx xxx xxx xxxx xxxxxxx x xxxxxx xx xxx xxxxx xxxxx (xxx xx xxxxx xxxx.) xxxx xxxxxxx xxxx xx xxxxxxxx XXXX XXXXX xxxx xx xxxxxxx, xxxxxx xxx xxxxxxxxx xx xxxxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx. xxx xx xxxxx xx. xxx xxx xxxx xxx xxx xxxx xxxxx xxxx!

Poor Opus. i used to read this strip all the time when i was a kid. You might see Bloom County here a lot, if i can figure out how to get the size just right.

"the blue one?" she asked, referring to the jeep. "yup, pump 4."
"it didn't go through," she mobil chick said, "i'll run it through manually."

i had pumped $33 in gas on my credit card, and the receipt didn't print.
must be out of paper, i thought. oh well. screw it. "no, wait. i want that receipt."
so i went in & asked for it. if i'd only been less anal about getting the
damn receipt, i coulda gotten a free tank of gas and not even felt any
guilt cuz i wouldn't have even known i wasn't charged. just as well, i guess...it's punishable with up to a $1000 fine if you take off without paying in NY. i don't need that kind of trouble, especially when i'm trying to get into the police academy.
speaking of the academy--i accomplished more at the gym tonight than i have in weeks. ran 4.5 miles, 120 sit ups, 100 push ups. keeps getting easier and easier. i'll probably regret it tomorrow, though. oof.

at least i made it through the day without any traumatic, academy-threatening injuries. gotta hold it together for 12 more days. i damn near went onto the hood of a saturn today at work when the crazy old coot behind the wheel came flying into the detail shop at what seemed to be 30 mph before we flagged her down. at what point did you think we were gonna clean your car, for christ's sake?? read the signs and stop at the damn door, people. some nut does this at least once every couple weeks. at least this one came in the ENTRANCE instead of the EXIT door. ignorance is bliss unless you're the one who has to deal with the end result of someone else's FLAGRANT STUPIDITY!!! 1..2...3....4.....5......6.......7.........ah, much better.



EVOC training...hope my faulty ear can pass the muster. my achilles heel.

And finally, a photo of THE scrambler. yay! Adirondack Jeep Jamboree, May 2000.

thanks toinstahangover for the heads up on buzznet, a site where you can finally get your own pics on the 'net. expect a lot more where that came from. i'm a foto freak.

tony stewart just won saturday's UAW-GM Quality 500. not my favorite guy but he's good.

if this state trooper thing doesn't work out, i'm gonna chase down a job with tony stewart/greg zipadelli. there are exactly 5 degrees of separation between tony stewart and me. (my sister-in-law's cousin is greg zipadelli's wife.) i could use an adventure--living down south for a couple years, going race to race, or even if i'm sweeping up cigarette butts around joe gibbs shop...it would be something to remember.

Don't read too deep.

gettin' feedback already. take it at face value and consider it as some sort of literary entertainment. the whole idea of "another snub" is to show how well off i am, but how i still have these problems, and in essence, i'm just like everyone else. there's no hidden messages, subliminal hits, no nothing.
just writing what comes to mind.
it starts out with ripping myself down, then building myself back up, and leaving me confused. have fun with it--i did!

just look at them freckles. dunno why, but i like 'em.

ripped off mark on the kill bill thing.

lucy liu is definately the hottest asian chick ever (to have the top of her skull cut off in a quintin tarantino movie) (kill bill, vol. 1.) typical QT work paying 1000 homages to a 1000 crappy movies he watched while working as a clerk at some video rental place before he made it big. somehow he's able to stitch this stuff together and make chicken soup out of a sow's ear. or a silk purse out of chicken shit. or something like that.
if nothing else, it's entertaining enuff to sit there and stare at lucy liu's freckles or try to figure out if uma thurman is ugly or hot.

another snub.

my trite feelings of inferiority to my coworkers, friends, family, ex, and you are still overwhelming sometimes.

our pre-relationship friendship has returned. i think. i recently learned (after some prying) that i'd been excluded from a night out with a mutual friend. the excuse offered by the friend was that due to my touchy friendship with her, it would be no fun for anyone if we were both there. so i'm the odd man out. my paranoid side is thinking of other possibilities, but i'm blocking them out to keep my sanity. hung up on her? a bit. ready for the next big thing? HELL YEAH! movin' on, movin on... where is she?

ben's self-psychoanalysis section: the problem is not that i feel inferior, rather i tend to focus too much on the big picture goals, instead of the small day to day battles (think "Baby Steps" from the movie "what about bob?" with bill murray.) i try to figure it all out at once instead of focusing on the challenges i can face now. mark and i discussed this at great length over margaritas at the lone star in kingston yesterday. either with careers, relationships, or life in general, i can't seem to let the big issues slide long enough to focus on the little things that end up deciding those big issues for me. patience, grasshopper... the less i think, the farther i will go. just look at my peers, for christ's sake. cash money hoes. new cars. high rollers. happy people.

it aint like i'm not proud of my accomplishments. i know i'm good. i've done it all. i'm smarter than you. i will have my own business someday. my resume makes me sound like hot stuff. ivy league. management. awards. student government. mechanical genius. but my newest car is a 15 year old pickup, i live paycheck to paycheck, and pine over a girl that for the longest time i couldn't get away from fast enough. yet another brilliant, hireable, skilled, disillusioned, inexperienced, shortsighted, clueless 20-something twit having his quarter-life crisis. woof. man, do i need a genny now.

having become addicted to reruns of "the restaurant" and "queer eye",
i feel betrayed and disillusioned and to discover that many of the
people on the shows are merely actors trying to get on tv any way
possible (gee, just like every other reality show out there!) but as
others have noted, it's not uncommon for struggling actors to find
themselves as waiters. this tiny connection to reality is small
consolation. on queer eye, one of the episodes features a straight
guy that is also a "runner" on the restaurant. DAMMIT, i trusted those
gay guys! and it's all just posed. at least i can still pluck
tips & ideas from it. a gay guy should already know it, a straight guy should love it.

just don't get attached.

ha ha! the first picture posted. I'm a goddamn genious. thanks to mark. it's a scrambler, the love of my automotive and hobby life. picture this one in Intense Blue Pearl, full length black soft top, and white wagon wheels. delete dirtbikes and '80's style people.

backboard. rim. air. chain link.

thats where the shots went. my first time playing basketball since the mid-90's looked like...well, my first time, period. i've been wanting to play for a long time, but 1. i haven't been in shape since 10th grade, and 2. i didn't realize until a week ago that Barry Park existed 2 blocks away from me. too bad all my friends are still too fat and weak to play. (that was a joke, i have no friends.)

like the techno-dork i am, i went out and bought a ball that's got a mini air pump inside it (Spalding Infusion) and went to the park to play with the big boys. (short on money, i know. but a crappy ball is 20 bucks. this one was 25, on sale at dicks.) luckily there was enough room to be alone so i could work out the nearly 10 years of neglect on my game. thankfully the big black guys on the ajoining court were too wrapped up in their own game to notice the very white white boy shooting air balls and bricks.

after a half hour or so, i finally started hitting the rim and actually got a few in. i can tell that since high school i've further developed my sense of where the ball is gonna go on a rebound, no doubt from years of...well, i don't know. years of just being alive. reminds me of when i learned to play hacky sack after playing varsity soccer. woulda been helpful with that pesky eye-foot coordination thing. i left after it got dark and couldn't see, not that it affected my shooting percentage any.


p.s. 2 more jeep waves, one from a fellow vintage CJ. and more stares.

i washed the scrambler yesterday and it got so much attention today. I just spent 2 hours driving around downtown syracuse, and before i even got in it to go, a fellow tenant at my complex stopped & asked about it. all told, i got 2 "jeep waves", at least 3-4 stares/head turns, and 4 people stopped me to ask about it. that's a new record, set in 2 hours. the jeep done good today.

my plan was to go to the DMV to renew my license and get a record of tickets. i need that for my state trooper application. i put the $1.50 parking down the drain when i walked in the building and immediately walked out. i've never seen a DMV like this in my life and i never will again. rows and rows of church-style seating, with every walk of life imaginable waiting with take-a-tabs in hand. to hell with that. i thought it was bad in watertown. the line there is rarely more than 15 people, and this one had probably 200. i'll take care of business next time i'm up in jefferson county.

trying to get the state trooper application done. i have the physical test coming up at the end of this month. i not worried about passing that, but i am a bit freaked that i won't pass the damn hearing test. i've always been partially hearing impared ("half deaf bastard") in my right ear. this would be the first time in my life that my hearing has had a tangible effect on me. you can't have a deaf cop asking a perp to repeat himself in a weapons-drawn stand off, i guess. if you want to get technical, i should actually be called a "quarter-deaf bastard" since i'm half deaf in only one ear.

i apologize for my last post. it's a bit harsh. i realize that my humor doesn't come across well in print. but i'm not removing it.

i'm curious as to how many hours i of work i could have saved over my working lifetime if i smoked. by that i mean, if i took a 5 minute smoke break, 5 times a day, that's over two hours a week, 100 hours a year. mmmmmm... smoke. nicotine. gee, maybe smoking isn't that bad after all. i'm gonna go out & buy a pack of winstons right now. and a bunch of scratch-off lotto tickets. and i'm gonna scratch 'em all off right there at the counter while there's a line of poor bastards behind me.

see a pattern here? i'm going to bed.

just got back from the bar. damn smokers. damn smokers breaking the law. now i stink like cigarettes. So much for respect for state law. so much for me going to bars, if thats the way it's gonna be. It only took about a month for all the smokers out there to realize, hey, no one's gonna stop me if i smoke this smoke indoors! go ahead. puff your way to early graves. i'll be breathing clear at your funerals. that's if i attend. grrr.

my rant of the day is now complete. thank you.

something i DID accomplish today.....

....went apple picking at Beak & Skiff farms in Lafayette. Not my idea but a good one. i went with my new pal Megan. it was her idea and it almost didnt happen, since i got out of work a bit later than i planned (i'm already in overtime and i had a short day) and we went the wrong way on rt. 20, AND megan had to be at work at 4. it was a beautiful day--70's, calm, sunny--in comparison to the cold ass rainy weather we've been having. i've never been apple picking and it was really cool. at one point i wasnt sure what variety we were picking, so subconciously i was looking for the little sticker on the apples that gives you the PLU and name. guess they dont put those stickers on there til they go to the supermarket (ha ha.) We got a bunch of empires and mccouns (sp?)--never had either before but they are really good. the jeep is running great. oh, by the way, that's the CJ-8 the name refers to. check out www.cj-8.com to see what the heck it is. i dont have a picture of mine to post yet. it was up on one of mark's old sites, but it got tossed. mark makes reference to it on circa1977 BUT he went and screwed that site all up and i can't find his archives.

ooh....uma thurman coming up on conan...no, i dont think she's all that but she'll be talking about Kill Bill....

mark has me blogging again. it's been a week and a half since my last (first) post. i've been working a lot (for a paycheck, that is), which unfortunately is more than i can say for instahangover (formerly known as circa1977) since he is kinda jobless. we've spent many nights wallowing in our own piss over money, jobs, women (lack thereof) and life in general. we've hit the quarter-life crisis. we were gonna go see "kill bill" tomorrow but we wont be doing that i suppose. mark suggested i start writing here again. a type of self-psychology, i guess. getting it all out is great but it really doesn't help me. i'd rather try to give myself a boost, which is what i've been doing tonight. i decided to watch a couple videos. the first was my "survivor" application video, done in february of last year. (needless to say i didn't make it on the show but it's funny to watch.) then i watched myself in "grease" at morrisville in '98. i expected to turn it off halfway thru but i actually watched it and liked it. as pathetic as it sounds, it did give me a much needed ego boost. watching my dumb self on stage, getting hoots & applause, all that happy horseshit, well, it felt NICE. one of my fellow actors from this play came into delta sonic about a month ago, and after i finally recognized her i decided not to say anything, fearing it'd been too long, it'd be too weird, and i'd be embarrassed (to have her find out i work at a damn car wash now.) I'm not sure if she recognized me or not but she didn't say anything either. I've been seeing myself as a work machine lately, too serious to have fun, to not cool enough to hang out with the guys from work. I've been pushing myself away from being social, being the easy going guy, being FUN. i need direction. seeing myself accomplish something i really had a passion for...well, i need a new, tangible passion to follow.